Every year people insist on coming up with new year resolutions that get shelved for the following year just to fit in with other morons who have goals they never accomplish. Let’s start from the top.
- Lose Weight
Ok unless your doctor tells you that they will need to transport you to a truck yard to get your true cargo weight, you are borderline diabetic, full blown diabetic, or a heart attack waiting to happen… don’t bother putting this on your to do list.
Ladies if you are trying to fit in with all those airbrushed celebrities on the cover of magazines, Here is a simpler solution to achieving your goal. 1. take a pic and photoshop the hell out of it or raise your selfie stick way up in the air and do an aerial shot to avoid any evidence of a double chin, run it through a couple PS filters and booom! Instant beauty queen for your profile pic.
Guys, if you are a little round in the middle move your selfie stick up above your sternum if you can find it and tilt the camera to catch a glimpse of a chiseled jawline, crack a smile and snap, or you can sift through old high school varsity photos and pass it off as recent OR just use someone else’s photo, just make sure it's not a celebrity. You want to at least be believable. Most people in Second Life believe a photo even if your voice sounds like you smoke 50 packs a day with bronchitis.
- Make More Money
You can do this in a variety of ways without actually leaving your low paying job or the comfort of your couch on public assistance. If you are bleeding the government, simply have one child per year for a raise. Use whatever is left after buying your alcohol and cigarettes on tiers for a bigger parcel and some super kick ass mesh gear!
- Break up with your gold digging significant other, time it right around the holidays and save a few bucks.
- Move back in with your parents or random family members who won't notice you there.
- Find the best ramen soup recipes on the internet. You could totally eat like a king on a 45 cent daily budget.
- Start up your own webcam porno. Hey….there is something freaky for everyone, charge extra to smear yourself with condiments. Just don’t buy them. You can totally get them for free at your local Mcdonald's.
- Apologize to the people you upset
That doesn’t go for all the people you pissed off in 2016, give them an advance apologize and go on being a total douche for 2017. Nothing is more satisfying them being your shameless self until someone knocks you out and you find Jesus.
- Quit Smoking
Do away with cigarettes. Those are old school. Get a vape, fill it with marijuana and kick the nicotine. If it is crack you smoke… yea maybe switch back to bumming cigarettes from random smokers until you’ve exhausted everyone’s generosity. But really this one usually doesn’t happen until you die a terrible death from lung, throat and mouth cancer. Stick it out until then, you mobile chimney.
- Get Organized
Listen here, if this wasn’t acquired at a young age when your momma told you to do chores and keep your room clean then you are one hot mess. Who are you kidding. Just kick all the trash you have laying around your house into the nearest closet and spray some Febreeze. You are only fooling yourself and maybe you just need a well needed, long time coming ass whooping from an organized person who gets anxiety standing in your mess.
- Be Happy.
Well you don’t need much for little spurts of happiness if you follow this plan step by step.
Go to the local gas station, buy a lighter and some EZ widers. Visit your local ghetto, approach a thug who smells like pot, wave 10 bucks, do an illegal drug exchange and go find the nearest dumpster to stand behind and smoke a nice joint.**
So....in Summary -----
These are prolly the WORST ways to go into 2017 --- but nowhere will you find more honesty in reporting and opinion that what ends up on the cutting floor of the SL Enquirer.
From the owners and staff of www.slenquirer.com we want to wish you and yours the BEST in 2017 and beyond.
Set out your plan -- see it through and say hi to us out in the grid, we’d love to hear from you.
--- Menacier Fiertze for Lanai Jarrico - SL Enquirer -- taking a long hard toke…….ahhhhhhh** for entertainment (reading) purposes only