Please note that this
is an opinion piece, and does not represent the views or opinions of the
publisher.
On the back of the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last week, and the storm in a teacup it caused, with those saying it condones abuse etc. I thought I would poke around the lifestyle in Second Life.
I rather like vanilla, don’t you? Added to milk it makes a refreshing drink, when
baking, added to cakes it makes the house smell amazing, but it appears that
vanilla has other connotations attached to it that have nothing to do with
flavoured milk or an ingredient in cakes.
I understand that to be ‘vanilla’ means to have boring or mundane sexual
preferences. Clearly I am boring then.
I have a friend, a platonic friend by the way, who told me
“Oh you are so nice, vanilla, but nice.” A bit of a backhanded compliment to
say the least. I in turn asked said
friend to enlighten me as to what it was he thought I was missing out on. He then proceeded to take me on a tour of
BDSM and D/s sims and venues available in Second Life. Who knew there were so many and that ‘the
lifestyle’ was so prevalent in SL? But I
was still not convinced that it was something I could get in to.
Out in the real world BDSM and the D/s lifestyle, think
Fifty Shades of Grey, are not very obvious, giving it the air of being erotic
and ever so naughty. In my opinion it makes more sense in RL than in SL, as from
what I understand, the main thrust (forgive the pun) of it is all about control
and domination, with a side order of pain and submission. Just typing this makes my hair stand on end,
I absolutely hate the thought of being punished for something that is supposed
to be mutually satisfying and enjoyable, and therefore I am not a good
candidate to be a submissive in the true sense of the word, and handing over total
control of myself to another person is unthinkable to me.
Okay so now you understand that I DON’T get the concept of
the BDSM lifestyle, therefore I asked a couple of people I know who do live the
lifestyle to tell me what the appeal is.
From a SL submissive’s point of view:
LM: In your opinion what does the D/s BDSM life style entail and
personally what is its appeal?
The D/s part of the lifestyle came naturally for me, I have
an innate desire to be controlled in almost every aspect of my daily life. Of
course many decisions regarding my work must be made by me, but Master has
given His approval on handling those parts of my life. The need to give control
to my Master is soothing and is essential for my life's journey. I crave the
strong hand of not only a Dominant, but of someone who truly cares about me and
my well being. I am not a weak, fragile person, but a strong business woman, and
with all that responsibility I tend to immerse myself in a world where I am
guided by a partner who is larger, stronger, and wiser than myself. It is only when I feel the bondage of the
collar and the restraint of the leash that I am truly relaxed and at peace with
myself and my environment. The Dominant in my life is a main focal point to my
happiness, and therefore it is a pleasure to please him.
LM: Are they separate entities (so can you embrace the D/s lifestyle,
without the BDSM elements) or are they irrevocably intertwined?
My personal opinion is no, D/s and BDSM do not go hand in
hand. Many people I know do not engage in bondage, S & M, or pain play, and
they simply live the D/s lifestyle, which is giving control to one partner. I
also know of people that enjoy BDSM play but cease D/s relations after the
scene collar comes off.
“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off.
That's part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours.
When you can't refuse anything and can't even move, those voices in your head
go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel. ”
From a RL married sub to her Dom on Valentine's Day ....
Inside the bedroom, I am His. Outside, we are great friends, partners and spouses. He completes me, he makes me whole.
Sir: This is our 14th Valentine’s Day together. Time flies when you are having fun. Thank you for being there always. You are my strength when I am weak, my comfort when I am down, my courage when I am afraid. Thank you for being patient with me through the years and teaching me to embrace my sub. Thank You for waiting for me to join you on this journey. I crave your touch, the sound of your voice as you say “Good Girl,” the look on your face as you come, the Dom that wants to ravage His kneeling sub, thToe delicious pain entwined with pleasure as you play with me, the intricate rope work and beautiful scenes you bring to life, and the unique flavor you bring to our dynamic. Thank you for your Dom – it is a most beautiful and special gift of self. Happy Valentine’s Day my Love! Your SFT.
From a Dominant’s point of view:
LM : In your opinion what does the D/s BDSM life style entail and
personally what is its appeal?
There is a somewhat common belief that Dominance entails a lot of
shouting and bullying people around, and that Dominants should be belligerent
and confrontational, always eager to get their own way at the expense of
others. If that were true, then this lifestyle would certainly hold no appeal
to me.
What I believe real Dominance requires are traits that are more
subtle and constructive, such as empathy, understanding, patience, humor, and a
strong urge to care and protect the submissive, as well as guide and teach her.
He must remain firm in his behavior, but willing to adjust and adapt as the
situation demands. He must be patient with his submissive, but at the same time
insistent that she fulfill her obligations and duties to the letter. He must
project strength of character and confidence, but at the same time be able to
laugh at himself and at all of life's inanities. It's a tightrope act that many
new people in the lifestyle may not realize lies behind the somewhat simplistic
facade of what Dominance means.
Slipping into the D/s lifestyle
was very natural for me. For example, I am the oldest in the family, and I have
always had the strong and innate urge to protect and care for my younger
brothers and
sister. This was true even when I was very young, when most siblings tend to be
competitive towards one another. My mother told us how one day a classmate in
elementary school was pushing around my youngest brother, and I had immediately
confronted the aggressor and told him
to never to do that again, and this had been enough to dissuade the bully from bothering
my brother.
Finally, D/s appeals to me because it creates a structured orderly framework
that enhances and supports the relationship between two (or more) people. As
such, it is not essential to my life, merely a tool. But in the context of something
greater, like Love, D/s is synergistic and provides an extremely satisfying way
to investigate and understand and explore the many niches and secret hollows of
a relationship.
LM: Are they separate entities
(so can you embrace the D/s lifestyle, without the BDSM elements) or are they
irrevocably intertwined?
In my opinion, D/s and the sexual aspects of BDSM are not
irrevocably intertwined. Many people engage in D/s interactions, but without
the baser aspects of the lifestyle - people can and do derive pleasure from D/s
without the addition of sexual play. Saying that, I personally enjoy the full
range of BDSM.
“So you’ll get your
kicks by exerting your will over me.” “It’s about gaining your trust and your
respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of
pleasure, joy, even in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy
– it’s a very simple equation.” “Okay, and what do I get out of this?” He
shrugs and looks almost apologetic. “Me,” he says simply. ”
―
E.L. James,
Fifty Shades of Grey
So about condoning abuse then, like most controversial issues, you will have those for and those against, and in reality some of the things that go on in the real world make anything in Fifty Shades of Grey pale into insignificance. In my opinion the real attraction to the 'lifestyle' is control, and if you think about who really has the control in a D/s relationship? In my opinion it is the submissive who has the control, but in the end it all boils down to that very complicated
issue of love and what people will do for love.
OpenCollar is an open source project within
SecondLife™
When you freely give your will to someone in Second Life,
you shouldn't have to spend hundreds (or thousands) of lindens on a collar to
make it more real. Now you don't have to. OpenCollar provides a
free, high quality collar with open source scripts.
https://modemworld.wordpress.com/ds-essays/the-ten-rules-of-ds/
https://fetlife.com/
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