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Friday, February 17, 2012

I'm Rolling... They Hating

Stacey, who can't even do the Hokey Pokey at the roller rink, stayed out of this one.

Long-time readers of this column know that I live dangerously here on SL. If SL were RL, I'd have been killed dozens of times. Examples include:

A) Walking onto the track at a NASCAR sim to get better pictures, and one of the NASCARs hitting me.

B) Landing on the Moon in a fashionable cocktail dress instead of the pressurized space suit with the oxygen and so forth.

C) Buying a karate suit, ignoring the proffered training, walking up to the biggest MMA Guy in the sim, and being like, "C'mon pretty boy.. let's see what a p*ssy you are."

D) Flying a WWII plane while yelling slurs at the rival Zero planes when the Japanese know how to fly and I don't.

It's all good. I'm too short to strip, Lindens don't fall from trees, and I need work. This is how I roll on SL. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before I found Roller Derby.

Now, I'm French, and some aspects of American culture still escape me. One of these aspects is Roller Derby. It is obvious that the girls are very athletic, and that it is some kind of race. They can and do hit each other a lot. They have jammers and other people. Someone wears a special hat, and they try to pass and maybe run a lap on the other team. When they do so, they get some points.

Being the Sports Editor of this paper, I was thrilled to learn that SL has Roller Derby. People love female violence, and this sim gives you that by the bushel-friggin-basket. I saw one lap where I believe every ssingle skater was violently knocked to the floor. My kinda place...

I've tried to play a passive role in my sports reporting since that time at Divas Wrestling And Catfighting when I was like, "Sure, I'll fight that big butch lesbian who seems to hate French people for some reason." That girl beat me like a government mule. Life, even a virtual one, is too enjoyable to expose yourself to Sadism if you can avoid it.

Derby is brutal, but it isn't sadism. The girls who hit the deck were simply in the way of the other girls. No hard feelings went down while I was there.

Again, I didn't participate in this one. I'm rather wimpy in my old age, I have no idea how to roller cerby, and the girls who were racing when I was there seemed to be professionals who didn't need a noob out there. They can, do, and happily will train newcomers.

You can find out for yourself by going here, and checking things out. Click on the billboard to get a notecard that will tell you all that you need to get started.

In no time at all, you'll be on a roll. You may also be on the floor, but you're on your own there.


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