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Monday, August 16, 2010

SPORTS & LEISURE- Take That...and THAT!- Stacey Cardalines Reporting...

All the better fencers fight in miniskirts...
Staff Reporter
• Monday, August 16, 2010
Stacey tries out fencing...

One of the few benefits of the Gunpowder Age is that it eliminated the need for swordfighting. Priot to the gun, War was a grisly business where thousands of men cut and slashed each other to shreds.

Now, if somebody bores your dome with the 9mm pistol, it's going to kill you as surely as a battleaxe to the face will. War entails killing, and- to be quite honest- I wouldn't cede a yard of territory unless my opponent was able to best me at something more compelling than Thumb Wrestling or 1980s Trivia. Hence, warfare.

From what I can get out of my husband and off the TV, war entails a lot of snooping around and random firing. War is that way because the guys with the guns beat the guys with the s-words when they were deciding which style was better. That doesn't mean that the swordsman lacked style, though.

For most of recorded history, a real man walked around with a sword. When guns supplanted swords, it didn't supplant the coolnes of walking around with a sword. In fact, if the world goes haywire, society collapses, and you can't get guns anymore... you'd better learn how to handle a sword.

With the American economy in ruins, maybe those days aren't so far off. Keeping that in mind, I decided to take up fencing. I might have to rob a 7-11 after the next zombie apocalypse, ya know?

Of course, I'm quite reluctant to take up a sport where, if I'm not particularly good at it, I get stabbed repeatedly. I'd hate to be talking to God, and have him be like "Tell me how you spent that gift of life I gave you? and have to answer him with "I got moped out before my kids were out of elementary school, having a recreational swordfight."

Of course, thanks to SL, I can get a painless introduction to fencing. A company named En Garde makes fencing equipment for SL, and you can find it at any sim where something may be resolved by competitive stabbing.

You play on a horizontal axis, and can take a certain amount of steps towards or away from your opponent. Once you've narrowed the distance, you can go for the Deathblow... which, fortunately for me, just puts you back at the starting line for the next round.

With no danger greater than some Carpal Tunnel Syndome, I can get an introduction to the finer points of fencing... the epee, the thrust, the parry, and even the run-full-speed-and-take-a-lumberjack-swing-at-my-opponent move.

I made up the last move myself, when the score was 4-0 and I was getting touchy about being routed. It also didn't work, as my foe is more experienced and repeatedly put holes in my ass like rat cheese.

However, I've always been one of those swing-for-the-fences kind of girls. The only point I got against my opponent- Miss Bondagegirl Porta- was when I convinced her to stand close to me so I could pose a few shots for the paper. Once she was lulled into letting her guard down a bit, I stabbed my friend... not only without a moment's delay, but actually with some considerable premeditation.

I got a bunch of cool close-ups, but I used camera angle right below us, and you can see up my skirt in most of them.

Anyhow... it was quite a hoot, and would be the perfect way to show a friend who the boss is. Here's a place where they have Fencing, my good friends at The Red Dragon Lair:


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