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Thursday, December 31, 2020

U Can't Touch My Riches: A Visit To The Silver Hawk Gun Company: STACEY MONPONSETT REPORTING


Christmas is a special time of year, a time when we strive to be nice to each other. We celebrate the birth of the Prince Of Peace, and- for as long as we think Santa is watching us- we try to live up to Jesus' more high-minded teachings. It really is a small miracle, as humans spend December trying to be a self-actualized version of themselves, and the end result is at times glorious..

Unfortunately, this isn't man's natural state, which is why we can only keep it up for a month. People are, by nature, cruel and somewhat evil. We are often ruled by the Id. That's why God sent Jesus to us in the first place. It's also why the Bible is so prohibitive, spending a lot of time telling us not to kill/steal/covet the goods of thy neighbor, and why you shouldn't put the hot sauce up on his old lady... and hardly any time at all saying "Hey, you're not so bad, relax a bit, I made this wonderful sunset for you..."  Humans aren't wired like that, and God- if you caught him when he was speaking plainly- would call us "high maintenance."

Nope, humans are only capable of high-end behavior for about a month. When that month is over, we can and perhaps must revert to and revel in our atavistic need to kick ass. 

This is why God, in his infinite wisdom, gave us the Silver Hawk Company. The SHC sells guns, lots of guns, and it is where you need to be in the Two Oh Two One. Let the next man love thy neighbor... there is nothing in the Bible, even in the small print, which says that you can't love they neighbor while concurrently being prepared to blow open a hole in his chest if he has a few too many drinks and turns up on your property, angry about something.

The Silver Hawk Company isn't cheap, but what price can a man put on Justice? Justice is like Love, in that you can't truly buy it on the street. You can, however, buy a reasonable facsimile of these abstract things. That girl Destiny from the escort service doesn't really Love you, but if your credit card works, she'll bark like a dog and call you Papi if you tell her to. Likewise, shooting people who bother you isn't really Justice. Justice is determined by the courts, but I'd rather be tried by twelve than carried by six.

The SHC has guns of all sorts. Little guns you can sneak into a club with, big guns that you can empty the club with, automatic weapons that you can close a high school permanently with, guns with pretty pink paint jobs that might sway a woman who was vacillating between joining the NRA or the Book Club... they have it. They also sell riot shields (in both male and female versions), because 2020. If you want to party like it's 1499, they have swords and shuriken and other old fashioned ways to gain the upper hand in a disagreement. They even sell proper shooting animations, so folks at the gun range don't snicker at you. 

I was going to ask the owner why he named it the Silver Hawk Company, but I do not like to pose unnecessary questions to a well-armed man who buys his ammunition by the truckload. You and a few friends could defend Little Round Top with all the guns in this store. "Silver Hawk" sounds just fine to me.

2020 was a scary year, and God only knows what is waiting in 2021. In these uncertain times, a gun are like money.... it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Whether you're a conservative frightened by some ANTIFA hobgoblin, or if you are a progressive worried that some Trump fan will shoot up your church... it's like the Boy Scouts said in their old commercials... Be Prepared.

The Silver Hawk Gun Company


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