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Friday, August 6, 2010

SPORTS & LEISURE- SFL MOCK DRAFT: Stacey Cardalines Reporting...


Hurricane Diesel and the Raiders stadium were good enough to host the SLE mock draft...
The SFL Draft is this Sunday, at the SFL Headquarters somewhere. But the SLE Mock Draft is right here, in your greedy little hands.





The SFL is set to kick off her inaugural season, and SLE has it all covered. Not only will you have me dancing into the topic from time to time, but you'll have Carlito Praga, a full-time SFL beat writer. That's a lot of avatar-based coverage right there, folks.
My job today is to attempt the impossible... forecast how all 32 SFL teams will select players in the first round of the SFL Darft.
I've been lurking and newtworking and scouting and gossiping and flirting and whatever else I had to do to gain the keen pigskin insight which I will now flex before you today.
Know that I'm guessing what position each guy will be playing. Players may even play offense and defense for all I know. I looked at all the men standing together, and the bigger ones end up in the mock draft trenches. If I have them as a quarterback, it means I saw them throwing a ball. Beyond that, the players play whatever position matches the player info I thought up.
And I know what you're thinking.... "How will Stacey know what teams are picking in what order? The SFL guards that information very closely. You're snuffed at the goal line, b*tch!"
No.
The SL Enquirer has a resident astrologist, Linda Lauren. For a favor to be claimed later, Miss Linda studied the centrifugal retrograde of Jupiter (outcomes of SFL games weigh heavily on Jupiter-type astrological stuff), and gave me an draft order list that I have 1000% confidence in.
I was gonna ask her for Who Got Drafted When, but my own research and God-like football knowledge had already yielded that speculative information. I have the confidence of an 80 year old man who takes an 18 year old bride and buys a 5 bedroom house next to the high school.
So... without any further ado... The Raiders are on the clock:
01) Raiders... QB Horse Zulaman
Hoss is the most sought after player in the game, and the Raiders waste not a moment seeing to the end of his draft eligibility. May be selected as a free agent before the draft.
02) Chargers... OLB Adrenaline Auster
Always draft the trainers, as they not only know the game well enough to teach it, but they've seen everyone train and knows who rules/who sucks. You want to take the trainer with the #1 pick, and then- if not handing over the draft to him outright- consult with him before each pick.
03) Jaguars... DT BeastMode Kingmaker
He's built not a lot unlike some of those Biblical statues you see in the Louvre. I would hate to run into one of those. Terrific football name, too.
04) Lions.... QB Pez String
I fought Pez at a boxing sim when I was a cub reporter. He didn't tear my head off, so I'll pay him back by sending him to the Lions as a top draft choice. Even if he can't play a lick, you can get a piece of candy from him by snapping his head backwards. That's good for team morale, and you have to think about stuff like that if you pay SFL team-owning money.
05) Ravens.. CB Tyce Pinazzo
If the man's name makes you think- even erroneously- of subjugating Peru, let him run your secondary. He could cover a lightning strike, he's so fast.
06) Bears... TE Judas Ceriano
What a first name! They were gonna draft Pontius Pilate Ceriano, but he plays baseball.
07) Cowboys.... OT Laurus Osterham
If Europe ever gets into NFL-style football, most CIA analysts I spoke with see Germany and Russia as being the better European squads... with the Serbias and the Ukraines of the world sneaking an inspired title here and there. With that in mind, how 'bout them Cowboys drafting this giant Hun to pave the way for the running game?
08) Seahawks... OG MasterCarnal Abbot
If you plan to enter a heavily black sport with the first name of "Master," you have to be either A) really f*cking tough, or B) crazy enough that it doesn't matter how tough you are. Either way, that's the kind of man I want on my O-line as a textbook road-grader. Follow the Master, my tailback...
09) Bengals.. QB Maynard McAuley
He is known as M+M, and- much like the candy- SFL teams can't only have one. Unfortunately, there only is one of Maynard McAuley, so we'll just have to see what those 49ers are doing now, no?
10) 49ers... SS Kryton Mumfuzz
I'd hate to meet the man at Linden Labs who thought that "Mumfuzz" sounded like a good last name. I'd also hate to be struck while carrying a football by someone who then chose that name as his own when creating a SL account.
11) Browns... WR Deezy Aftermath
If this league gets good, "The Aftermath" sounds like a top-flight nickname. A complicated algebra formula I use gives him a 92.54% chance of having a Gatorade commercial.
12) Steelers... OG Sams Breen
The Steelers shock the SFL by drafting the guy who was looking at the player application board when I logged in the other day. Some of the clamor fades when they see that this guy's build is like a fridge with a bowling ball on top.
13) Giants... DE Dexter Fredeick
If the teams ahead of you draft the top quarterbacks, try drafting someone to injure the top quarterbacks drafted by the teams ahead of you. It's like subtraction by addition- which sounds odd, but makes sense when this guy shatters the spine of a rival's field general.
14) Eagles... ILB Diablo Darkmatter
Sometimes spelled as "Diable," but the effect is the same either way. Looks like he can bend steel with his stare. Can ill on a posse with his go**amned hands.
15) Falcons... WR Flash Emor
At what other position would you put a kid named "Flash?" "Meet Flash, my lumbering backup canter..." No. Put Flash on the edge, and send him deep every play.
16) Jets... WR Juelz Toxx
Fast enough to run down a Harley Davidson, and man enough to smack the Hell's Angel off of it.
17) Texans... MLB Savage Eyre
You sort of have to put a kid named "Savage" in a position to maim people on every play. Otherwise, you're showing your team off to people and saying, "Meet my fragile placekicker....Savage."
18) Dolphins... RB Roby Earnshaw
It's a simple game, really. Your big guys block their big guys. You have some people out on the wings chasing each other around. And, about 30 times a game if you're doing it right, you hand the chicken off to a good running back like Roby, point at the end zone, and say, "Hasten forward yonder there." A lot of coaches outthink themselves and get away from that perfectly sound game plan.
19) Saints... P Hunter Halostar
Warn the villagers! Here comes Hunter the Punter!
20) Panthers... DE McBeth Foxclaw
My sources tell me that this guy has a realllllll pushy wife.. but that's not always a bad thing in an ultraviolent, big-money, professional sport.
21) Rams... WR Xclashy Bulmer
Is fast enough that, if he stole you purse, you'd only get it back if there was a hungry cheetah nearby that took your side in the matter.
22) Redskins... OLB Skyton Shade
While playing at Hillcrest College, one of his tackles somehow injured the Soul of an opposing player.
23) Chiefs... DT Markesie Warden
At this late stage of the first round, the Chiefs are thrilled to get a guy who looks like he thirsts for human blood. He'll slap a letter out of your name.
24) Patriots... TE Tramaine Hancroft
This team is authorized to spy on the opposing team's offensive coordinator due to some extremely small-print provisions of the Patriot Act.
25) Titans... ILB Triston Mayo
Offensive lineman get a lot of holding calls when playing against Mayo.
26) Colts... FS Harajuken Solo
Known to friends as "Han," but SFL rules prevent the Colts from fielding the 8 foot, 600 pound Wookie who Solo hangs around with.
27) Vikings... DL Darkheart Heartsdale
You can do a lot worse than building your defense around a guy who looks like he could rape a silverback gorilla if he set his mind to the task.
28) Packers... CB Raymond Brunswick
If this kid gains even a modicum of notoriety, rappers will use his name in their songs. "He runs quick, like Ray Brunswick." Rappers care very little if one actually runs "quickly."
29) Bills... QB Every Slingshot
This first round is full of players who are assigned positions because I feel their name can be marketed well at, say, quarterback. He could also knock the Hubble Telescope out of orbit by throwing a football at it.
30) Cardinals... C Adamantine Nikolaids
If this powerhouse were around when continental drift started, he could have held Africa and South America together with his bare hands.
31) Buccaneers... RB Damion Vyper
His first name is what the antichrist would have been called if "The Omen" were a blaxploitation film.
32) Broncos.. ILB Kish Endrizzi
Would have been drafted higher, but he ends up in jail a lot because of his teamper. Even simple perceived slights send him into a bone-breaking rage. It's not unusual to see him go into the crowd and start laying hands on people, because one of them may or may not have simply called him a "big dummy."
On The Bubble:
OT Otto Smithson... people who run the ball behind this man call him the "Ottobahn."
QB Chase Coleslaw... He shreds defenses like cabbage.
DE Djames Janus... Opposing quarterbacks occassionally chicken out and just hand the ball over to this guy when he pass-rushes, rather than risk having him kill and eat them.
SFL COMMERCIAL RELEASED!
Date: 08/05/2010
To inaugurate the SFL's first Free Agent/Draft Week, the SFL is releasing a TV commercial. The commercial features highlights from the league during training camp, and features many of the stadiums. The commercial will be placed with twitter links, facebook links, and on youtube. It will also be released to the SL press, and possibly broadcast on Treet and Metaverse during regularly scheduled programming.
There are two versions of the commercial. One for streaming into second life on your land or at your place of business and one for streaming to the web if you have a team webpage.
For streaming to SL: http://blip.tv/file/get/TSProductions-SFLIntroVideo132.mov
For web streaming or to download to your home computer: http://blip.tv/file/get/TSProductions-SFLIntroVideo181.wmv
The commercial will be posted everywhere around the net, and to the Second Life grid at large. Please feel free to pass out this video, stream it at your places of business, and get it out there.... THE SFL IS HERE!
SFL Headquarters: http://slurl.com/secondlife/SFL%20Headquarters/162/170/25


Reader Opinions
SFLNotAllItSaysItIs
SEP 24  •  I agree with SFLSCAM.

Missing deadlines, broken promises, poor management, and special "favor" to certain teams, players, coaches, managers, employees, etc is only the tip of the ice burg.

Several management changes and firings since it's birth and it's a brand new league! It's not one or two people here, but several. They've burned many bridges with individuals AND large groups within SL. If a company has that many people that it is firing right off the bat or scores people leaving and quitting, that should be your first clue.

The SFL refuses to admit they have any problems or complaints and they protect or side with friends over others within the league who may have legitimate complaints. Instead of trying to better the league they fire them and then blame it on "people not doing their job" or breaking some sort of rule. Do some research and learn why people have been banned, fired, removed, or why they quit. There are two sides to all the stories here, and you've only heard Romeo's or are just assuming he did the right thing. I challenge you to talk to some of those that are no longer with the league and get their side. Believe me, the SFL isn't 100% innocent or truthful in what has gone on. Hurricane, you might not be one of the owners that talks to other owners ... but some do and they concur on many problems that Romeo tells them don't exist for anyone else.

I have many friends in this league and even they say that the league has several issues that need to be addressed if this is going to work.

I haven't even started on the scripting issues and actual gameplay complaints I've heard as well. Lack of players, of course! Not to mention how the game looks from an audience viewpoint either. The SFL Draft video, .blip.tv/file/4043273/, is the most boring machinima I've ever seen! It could have been edited down to a few minutes of footage and been allot better. For their sake, I hope the actual treet show is better, I'm not counting on it though.

They need to stop touting themselves as "the best football to ever be in SL" or the "equivalent to Madden" ... sorry SFL, you are new to the game and you are not the best by any measure. Romeo has admitted in interviews he didn't know much about SL sports before beginning this. I agree he's trying hard, but it doesn't matter how much time, money, and effort he puts into it; the "product" that is SFL is still very poor. He may get an A for effort but the "project" is an F or a D at best.

If this league is going to succeed at any level they need to stop hyping it for what it's not, be humble, take criticism in stride and fix problems, scrutinize their "friends" who are employees, and start treating people within the league with equal respect and fairness, then it might actually have a chance. I know this falls on deaf ears however ...

Like I said, look around, be critical, and do some research before you back a company that has very little experience at what they are attempting to do.
Hurricane Diesel • hurricanediesel@gmail.com
AUG 16  •  SFLSCAM seems to have some inside information. I'd like to know who this person really is. He/she is probably someone who has been removed from the league.

Just like any innovative endeavor, the SFL has to deal with competition, disgruntled ex-employees, and ignorant bystanders. As in any new business, mistakes are made, plans are altered and staff are changed. There is a lot more that is right with this league than is wrong with it.

In regard to Romeo, he has been working full time in this endeavor and received no compensation, he also has not required the players or owners to pay one dime to participate. He's ensuring the SFL will be a first rate SL entertainment experience. He's developing proprietary software, absorbing payroll costs for player and cheerleader training, and is providing devoted owner liasons to all teams.

I've been an owner in this league from the beginning, I'm excited about a potentially revolutionary step in Second Life participation.

I hope readers will view SFLSCAM's comment for what it is, a lame attempt by a coward who won't identify him/herself as they try to damage the league by spreading rumors.

SFLSCAM, if someone can loan you a spine, so you can come out from under the rock you're hiding beneath, please contact me. My name is Hurricane Diesel. I'd be happy to talk to you about the league.
SFLSCAM
AUG 08  •  Hmm....after seeing how the first "FREE AGENCY" round went, and how the management of the SFL made sure only certain teams had their free agency picks "approved' and then rumors of a team getting actually banned for getting good draft picks, as well as not even enough players to fill out the teams rosters, I see this going nowhere. Romeo "Owner" of the SFL, the kind of guy that will talk his way into anyone that will back him, and his staff have proven to not only "fumble" with getting products out on time and released, but also seems like they make sure that the teams that seem to assure them the most "help", get the best free agents and the most "promotion". I see this league falling apart very shortly. And I am sure Romeo will try to come in and try to misinform and shuffle the facts away from the true facts, but the facts are there.

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