Interview with a Vampire Gone Wrong- Lanai Jarrico Reporting… ~ The SL Enquirer

First published October 14, 2013.

With Halloween creeping up on us, I thought I would pound the SL pixel pavement in search of a friendly vampire that wouldn’t mind sitting down with me for an interview. Without fearing I would be bitten and turned into a pale night walking blood junkie, I searched high and low for this elusive fanged creature with baseball bat in hand for protection. As I came upon Harry the Vampire, I must have startled him while he was digging though a dumpster because he let out the most girlish scream I have ever heard...

At first it appeared he was out for blood until he revealed an unusual fear of it, and the dark. I’ve seen a lot of cruel and unusual behavior in Second Life but who on Linden’s laggy grid would think of biting this kitten of a man and leaving him to deal with such a torturous existence.

I needed to know more, so I took my opportunity before his candle expired.

Interview with a Vampire

Lanai: Hi Harry, thank you for allowing me this opportunity to interview you. Let me start by apologizing for scaring the wits out of you over there. It wasn’t my intention.

Harry: Hi Laaaa La Lanai, ttt ttthank y yy you. Nnn nnno problem! Pppppardon mmmy st st st studder, it haaaaa haaa haaappens when I ge ge get spooked!

Lanai: Why were you digging through that dumpster? Did you lose something?

Harry: Nnn noo. I wa was looo…looking for something t…t….to eat. I’m s…soo hungry and it sss..ss.seeems that avatars don’t throw anything awa…..away. I’ve b…b..been living off of baaaaa baaaaan baaaananas and p…ppuddle wa…water.

Lanai: Why? Aren’t you supposed to be going around biting avatars to stay alive? I doubt spoiled dumpster bananas and puddle water are doing any good for you.

Harry: I…I ammm aff afff..

Lanai: take a deep breath and spit it out already… my goodness!

Harry: *breathes*……… I’m afraid. Ever since that terrible incident I haven’t been able to see the sight of blood, not to mention drinking it.

Lanai: Harry, that has got to be the most absurd thing I have ever heard from a vampire. What happened that has you so riddled with anxiety?

Harry: *breathes deeply*……..two weeks ago, I was at a sandbox looking for a drink and I happened upon a noobie that asked me for directions.

Lanai: ok…

Harry: *breathes* I pointed left and as she looked, I thought it was the perfect chance for me to sink my fangs in. Little did I know that this noob packed a powerful backhand that lifted me 400 meters into the sky and face planted me right onto the pavement where a crowd was closing in on me. The next thing I know I was being beaten to a pulp by what appeared to be a band of big breasted women. I looked up right before being stomped on the forehead like a wasted cigarette butt and saw something I will never ever EVER forget!

Lanai: Wow! It sounds like you caught a royal beat down for sure, but what exactly did you see?

Harry: *starts to cry as he relives the moment* up her skirt…. I saw….. a pair of swinging…OMG I can’t go through with this!

Lanai: Oh my! You mean to tell me you got beat down by a gang of drag queens?!? *busts out in laughter*

Harry: *clears throat*…..Something like that. But since I am a gentleman and would never return a punch to someone in a skirt….I feared for my life! *breathes*

Lanai: I know I shouldn’t be laughing at your ordeal but I’m sorry…. that’s hilarious, especially since you had to find out in such an awkward way.

Harry: my eyesight hasn’t been the same since and it caused me to have panic attacks at night. I need to keep a candle burning at all times.

Lanai: Oh man. That’s not a good thing for a vampire considering light can cause you harm. How do you manage to keep from burning up with this candlelight?

Harry: I use mayonnaise, lemon juice and vinegar mixed with sunscreen. It seems to help keep me protected.

Lanai: EWWW that’s what I smell! I thought it was because you were dumpster diving. You poor thing… have you tried reaching out to the vampire community for help?

Harry: *sighs*…. I’ve tried but none of them want anything to do with me because of the other thing that happened just before my incident at the sandbox.

Lanai: *SMH* I can’t wait to hear this story…

Harry: Before you jump to any conclusions. I don’t normally get involved with role play. The avatar that turned me did it by accident. I was minding my own business at one of those gothic clubs, break-dancing and doing the windmill when I accidentally knocked over a crowd of vampires. One of them happened to fall fangs first right onto my neck. The next thing I know, her boyfriend had me by the ankles and threw me out of the club! When I tried to go back in and apologize, I got hit with ban lines and an IM from the owner saying that I caused enough drama at the club and was no longer welcomed. Besides that, they totally insulted my dance moves! *breaks out in tears again*

Lanai: Awwww Henry.... what a horrible situation but who break-dances in a gothic club anyway?

Harry: *sniffles* That’s not the point…. I feel I was wrongfully banished before I could even understand what a vampire is supposed to do. Now I’m left wandering around the grid trying to figure things out on my own and it hasn’t been easy!

Lanai: you poor unfortunate soul….

Harry: I think she took that too…

Lanai: *shakes head* From everything that you have gone through I would imagine you would make an alt, get rid of this bad luck avatar and start over.

Harry: where were you two weeks ago? That’s a brilliant idea!

Lanai: I don’t know about brilliant but that certainly is an option that most residents know about. If I may… I’d like to offer you another piece of advice…

Harry: Sure! Anything the all knowing Lanai!

Lanai: o.O… I don’t know about all that, but please never break-dance in a gothic club again and if you want to make friends….never tell them about this avatar…

Harry: ok. I won’t

Lanai: Do you have any idea how you will reinvent yourself? Do you have any skills?

Harry: I’m really good at rapping and playing the harmonica. Would you like to hear me blow?

Lanai: Um…wow look at the time.

Harry: Why do you say that?

Lanai : This interview is over. I need to wrap my head around what just happened here. This was supposed to be an interview with a vampire, not a counseling session…

Harry: Perhaps we can meet again and go on a date? I’ll bring a banana.

Lanai: *blows out the candle and runs*