As a Second Life reporter who is concerned with human rights in the virtual world I was stunned to discover that Santa Claus has been using slave labor to manufacture and distribute his toys. That’s right, jolly old Santa has been using unpaid elf and reindeer laborers to expand his toy emporium and not one of his “employees” has declared an income for as long as Santa’s workshop has been in business.
In fact, according to his tax return, Santa Claus declares his employees as dependants and, when asked about his business practices, Kris Kringle offered no comment.
But it gets worse. Apparently this shady sweatshop mogul has been operating in the North Pole, outside the jurisdiction of any law abiding government, while using gift giving as an excuse to invade the homes of billions of families around the world. While there have been no reports of theft, I can’t imagine anything more disturbing than the thought of someone sliding down my chimney in the middle of the night, while I’m sleeping, and creeping about in search of milk and cookies.
But the truly horrific news is that jolly Saint Nick is in reality an ill tempered rage-a-holic.
When confronted about his eating habits and the bad example he sets for children, everyones beloved Papa Noel lost his cool and slugged me in the face. Now I don’t want to be the Grinch who stole Christmas, but my conscience could not allow a man of such an intemperate disposition to travel from mall to mall where he gets his jollies by allowing little children to sit on his lap.
And so it is that Santa Claus has been charged with assault and battery. For the full story I refer you to the Christmas edition of MAGE Magazine.