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16 Years and counting...Got SL News? Get it Published! Contact Lanai Jarrico at lanaijarrico@gmail.com
Showing posts with label santa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label santa. Show all posts

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Santa Claus : A menace to society? - Dean Lawson reporting


 
As a Second Life reporter who is concerned with human rights in the virtual world I was stunned to discover that Santa Claus has been using slave labor to manufacture and distribute his toys. That’s right, jolly old Santa has been using unpaid elf and reindeer laborers to expand his toy emporium and not one of his “employees” has declared an income for as long as Santa’s workshop has been in business.
 

 
In fact, according to his tax return, Santa Claus declares his employees as dependants and, when asked about his business practices, Kris Kringle offered no comment.
 

 
But it gets worse. Apparently this shady sweatshop mogul has been operating in the North Pole, outside the jurisdiction of any law abiding government, while using gift giving as an excuse to invade the homes of billions of families around the world. While there have been no reports of theft, I can’t imagine anything more disturbing than the thought of someone sliding down my chimney in the middle of the night, while I’m sleeping, and creeping about in search of milk and cookies.
 

 
But the truly horrific news is that jolly Saint Nick is in reality an ill tempered rage-a-holic.
 

 
When confronted about his eating habits and the bad example he sets for children, everyones beloved Papa Noel lost his cool and slugged me in the face. Now I don’t want to be the Grinch who stole Christmas, but my conscience could not allow a man of such an intemperate disposition to travel from mall to mall where he gets his jollies by allowing little children to sit on his lap.
 

 
And so it is that Santa Claus has been charged with assault and battery. For the full story I refer you to the Christmas edition of MAGE Magazine.
 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Interview with Santa- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...



Every year I try to get an interview with Jolly ol’ St Nick but he has avoided me for the past two years. After hanging outside his cottage interrogating elves for hours with a homemade fruitcake in hand and apologizing out loud for what I had done, finally Santa let me in and forgave me for infiltrating his naughty list and disturbing the peace. He agreed to an interview under two simple condition… that I stop harassing him and I behave myself.


Lanai: Santa, again I’m sooo sorry for breaking into the North Pole compound and removing all my friends from your naughty list, including myself. I thought I was doing a good deed at the time. Also, I felt it was unfair to put me on the list again.

Santa:Lanai, ever since you were a child I’ve watched you prank people for cheap laughs and do crazy things that would have gotten you paddled well into your 20’s but I’ve always seen a glimmer of hope in you, usually when you were sleeping. But! Nonetheless, I appreciate the apology but you have to stop being a pain in the ass. After all, It’s Christmas time and everyone deserve a little something special for the holidays.Consider this your Christmas present.



Lanai: Oh ok thank you... I am very grateful for this opportunity. Here is a special gift I made just for you. Enjoy.

Santa: Oh A fruitcake! How umm sweet...

Lanai: *smiles like an angel* So Santa… every year has its trends for the holidays. What type of gifts will you be giving the good people of Second Life around the world?

Santa: Well, this year is a bit odd I must say. *takes a bite of his fruitcake*  Mmmm this is actually pretty good!

Lanai: Thank you Santa. Believe me it gets better the more you eat. So why is this year odd?

Santa: Well it is election year so some of my requests were not actually gift requests for themselves. I keep getting asked to run for President. Something about I have better hair and I love everyone equally. I have a feeling there is a great deal of people worried about one of the candidates. But not to worry sweet child, if it is the one I am thinking, he’s at the top of my naughty list this year. Instead of giving  out lumps of coal, I thought I would save the environment and collect deer berries this year to give as gifts to the naughty ones..

Lanai:Great idea. I still remember the steaming pile you left under my tree the one year....Anyway, glad to see you are going organic again this year. I think I have an idea who that candidate might be and I couldn’t agree more. But I’m not going to get into politics.

Santa: HO HO HO! that was funny and yea good idea.

Lanai: o.O. Aside from that request, what others things are people asking for this year?

Santa: I’ve gotten some request for hover boards but due to the recent recalls for fire hazards, I’ve decided to make skateboards instead. Others just want money or Doomsday shelters fully loaded, but I can’t afford that.
My protection insurance is high enough these days, along with my electric bill. With the implementation of air conditioner units in the reindeer stables and new snow-making machines around the North Pole, I am limited. This global warming thing is getting out of control!

Lanai: Absolutely! I live in Pa and we have had 60 degree weather around here for the past week. It feels strange hanging Christmas lights outside in a t shirt and breaking into a sweat. I am sure people around the world are witnessing strange weather as well. Do you have any advice on what we should do about this global crisis?

Santa: Well Lanai, I think we would all have to go back into the stone age or something. To lower emissions and clean up our environment, we all need to be more organic for our own health and more responsible about what we contribute to this environment crisis. For example, grow our own crops, use outhouses, bicycles, solar power and stop burning fossil fuel. Also, FFS!  Stop all the harmful toxins that go into the air and the garbage that ends up in our oceans. It’s easy for us all to talk about but can we really all come together to save the planet? 

*offers Lanai some fruitcake*

Lanai: *thinks* Ok this is getting depressing…. *reaches for some fruitcake*

Santa: I have to say this fruitcake is making me feel kind of funny… What did you put in this?



Lanai: Not to worry Santa, some of the ingredients are homegrown and legal in most states now.  Anyways, I think it is great that you are thinking about our future and giving gifts that can help the environment.

Santa: Yes indeed but I have a confession to make.

Lanai: Oh? Do tell.

Santa: I’m not really Santa Claus. I am a M*****F******-ing Wizard!

Lanai: WTH?

Santa:WOW! Can’t you see all the psychedelic colors floating around? And my skin.. it feels so…. sensitive! *starts to removes his red suit*

Lanai: Noooooooo, I can never unsee this!

Santa: Watch this!

Lanai: OMG... 
*Trying to avoid looking at his twig and holly berries, Lanai watches in horror as Santa stands on his chair and pretends to surf naked*

Santa: I have an idea! Let’s get on the roof and attempt to fly like a drone super reindeer!

Lanai: A wise friend once said, "This can only end well". Ya know Santa…. I think I should get going and please don’t mention I was here or where you got that fruitcake ok?

Santa: Wait! I need a co pilot to help me drop reindeer berries!

Lanai: There goes Christmas!  I’m outta here….



Merry Christmas SLE Fans!





Monday, December 22, 2014

Interview with a Disgruntled Elf- Lanai Jarrico Reporting…


This article is back by popular demand

Christmas is fast approaching and I wanted to interview Santa because he is this holiday’s most popular mascot. However, it seems St. Nick was upset with me and too busy trying to re-edit the naughty list. Apparently someone hacked his computer and saved a bunch of avatars from receiving lumps of coal this year.  *innocent look*


I tried to interview Mrs. Clause but she declined my offer stating that they felt I was the culprit behind the hack attack. Not having much of a choice on who else to interview, I decided to ask one of Santa’s elves who was in a barn shoveling reindeer berries into a pile and going on a verbal rampage to himself.

Interview with a Disgruntled Elf





I approached him with caution in case he had the nerve to swing that shovel at me for sneaking up on him.


Lanai: Hi there Mr. Elf, I was in the area and was wondering if I can interview you about Christmas in Second Life. Do you have some time?

Elf: Hey Lanai what are you doing here?!? First of all, my name is Jeffrey and I don’t think you should be anywhere near Santa’s house. Word around the North Pole is you got into his naughty list and did some rearranging of names.


 Last night he went on a drunken rant about how you walk around the grid like you are the queen of Second Life and snooping around doing all kinds of mischief.

Lanai: Is that so?

Jeffrey the Elf: He has been watching you for some time now and is looking for a tabloid that will interview him for a tell-all about you. From what he was saying, you have been a very naughty girl and just a heads up… he has some paparazzi shots to prove it.


Lanai: So? I’ll admit I did a couple things this year that would totally cause a riot between my FWBs, things that would make a stripper blush, cause an intervention, or make my parents cry in shame but that’s my business!  I’m grown.

Jeffrey the Elf: I have to admit that is kind of hot and I wouldn’t mind being added to your FWB list.

Lanai: oh good grief.

Jeffrey the Elf: Anyway, Santa has a special present for you since you have been so bad on top of hacking his computer. He sent me out here to round up a steaming pile just for you.

Lanai: OMG are you serious? Whatever happened to being innocent before proven guilty ? Besides that, Jolly old St. Nick was going naughty list happy on all my friends. I had to do something!

Jeffrey the Elf: Well little lady you caused some serious havoc here in the North Pole! Santa was on a budget because of his gambling and drinking problem so some avatars had to be put on the naughty list. There are not enough of us elves to make up all the presents this year.


Lanai: Why? What happened to all the elves that handled the Christmas load last year?

Jeffrey the Elf: Well *looks around* Santa is cheap. Besides that, he really sucks as a boss, treating us like sweat shop workers.  Can you believe he tried to pay us with McDonald coupons for free Sundaes and 20% off Sleigh Rides around the Clause Family Compound. To top it all off,  as a bonus, he gave us each a fruitcake! 

Aside from all that, look what he has me doing now? If I didn’t need a place to stay I would be soaking up the sun on a nude beach somewhere on the other side of the grid.

Lanai: Interesting. SO anyway Jeffrey, is there a way you can sugarcoat Santa and all the wonderful things he does for others on Christmas? I want to give my readers a pleasant Christmas article.

Jeffrey the Elf: *Sighs* Santa is one of the kindness mascots you will meet.  He’s always jolly and…

Lanai: Ok nvm. That’s enough fluff.


Jeffrey the Elf: SO Lanai, how would you like this gift delivered?





Lanai: Ummm… send it to 945 Battery Street
San Francisco, CA 94111 C/O: Linden Lab









Merry Christmas SLE Fans. 

Have a Save and Happy Holiday!










Special Thanks to Phil & Glossom Jonesford

 
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