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Thursday, July 4, 2024

After Party Interview with Uncle Sam- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...


Interview with Uncle Sam

Lanai: Hey Uncle Sam, I heard you were interviewed by Darron. Sorry I missed the BBQ. I heard the potato salad was bangin!  Happy Birthday!

Uncle Sam: Thanks Lanai, I can’t believe I’m turning 248! I miss the days when I was 192. Maaaaan Woodstock was awesome!

Lanai: I wasn’t around for that but from what I’ve heard, it was wild times. What did you experience then?

Uncle Sam: Woodstock was a time when people began to really let their hair down. It only lasted 3 days but it really made its mark in history. People today still talk about it but just like a classic movie remake, it’s never better than the original!  The attempt at the 2nd Woodstock in 1999 was a total failure. You young people really know how to mess things up!

Lanai: I wasn’t there for that bonfire of an event but I heard about that. They nearly burned it to the ground!   It was a big time for grunge and mosh pits, what do you expect? So, with all the years you have under your belt, tell me about some of your fondest memories.

Uncle Sam: OMG… Back in 1859 my cousin Britain and I almost got into a huge fight over a pig. Our grudge lasted about 5 months but eventually we got over it. We totally almost went to war over that swine. Seriously.

Lanai: Um OK. That sounds pretty serious. Glad that got sorted out. So what is your favorite era aside from Woodstock 69’?

Uncle Sam: It’s so hard to pick just one! The Colonial Era was interesting. I was just a kid but a lot was going on in the North as the British colonies were being created. I met a lot of new friends.  Another found memory was in 1752 I was doing a lot of metal work at the time and I made this bell but it got cracked. Eventually my peeps in Pennsylvania decided they wanted it as a symbol of our freedom and decided to display it at the PA State House now known as Independence Hall. Don’t tell anyone but it totally has a typo.. I misspelled “Pensylvania”. 

Lanai: I’m sure no one noticed… I heard several years back some weirdo tried hitting it with a hammer and got arrested. lol. 

Uncle Sam: Yea, throughout history we’ve had quite a few clowns get disorderly.  You should have seen the Whiskey Rebellion in 1794. Now that was a violent protest! My boy George Washington was president at the time. It was the first tax imposed on a domestic product and people went bananas.

Lanai: Disorderly is an understatement.  How do you feel about the era we are in now?

Uncle Sam: Well that stupid DNA test kit craze had me feeling depressed for a while. Hearing all the stories of people accidentally finding out who their real dad is and siblings they never knew existed.  When I was born 65 delegates signed my birth certificate!

Lanai:  Are you talking about the Declaration of Independence? WOW yea that's pretty effed up.  I’m sorry you are still struggling with that. 

Uncle Sam: That’s why I’m getting my revenge by raising taxes. It’s my restitution for back Child Support owed to me. 

Lanai: That’s not fair to make every American pay for that injustice of paternity.

Uncle Sam: Well at least I give back by filling potholes and returns during tax season.

Lanai: I have nothing to say to that. So tell me about The Louisiana Purchase in 1803. At this point people are paying so much for a small house.

Uncle Sam: Stop exaggerating. I know the housing market is crazy but not that out of hand. Anyway,  Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon had beef that year and he bought 800,000 square miles of swath land for a whopping $27 million. My buddies Lewis and Clark loved to explore and really took advantage of the newly acquired land for a couple years. John Smith was another buddy of mine.  I liked him better before he settled down with this one girl named Pocahontas. They ended up moving to England. I never saw them again.

Lanai: sounds like you had a lot of interesting friends back in the day. Who do you like spending time with now?

Uncle Sam: I like to keep to myself these days. I find the internet to be an interesting place. It’s like a digital history book but there are so many inaccuracies and versions of history and people who don’t really know what happened way back when and try to retell stories based on passed down information through generations. I find that we all have our own perspectives of history  because we were all affected by the past in some way or another

Lanai: That’s very true. So what is your outlook for the future and if you can make one wish and blow out all your candles, what would it be?

Uncle Sam: Oh those are good questions but I don’t think you have the time for everything I want to say.  In a nutshell what I see for the future is pot will be legal everywhere if it was up to me but you know how that goes. I might be the poster child for America but I don’t have all the say. And to answer your question about my birthday wish this year. If I told you then it won’t come true!

Lanai: Fair enough Uncle Sam. Thank you for taking the time out to chat with me. We will have to talk again some time. Happy Birthday!


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