Interview with Uncle Sam- Darron Buckenberger Reporting..

 

It’s 4th of July and what better way to celebrate this day in Second Life than an interview with Uncle Sam. He’s like that stoner Uncle everyone has that is always at the annual BBQ and everyone just rolls their eyes and laughs when he begins singing his favorite rendition of “Yankee Doodle” during  Karaoke…

Interview with Uncle Sam

Darron: Happy Fourth of July, Uncle Sam! Thanks for joining me here at the Enquirer Headquarters. How’s the barbecue treating you?

Uncle Sam: Happy Fourth, Darron! The barbecue’s great, though I’ve had to dodge a few overcooked hot dogs. You know how it is – can’t have a party without a little char! And I must say, this setup is quite… festive.

Darron: Absolutely! Nothing says freedom like a well-stocked rolling tray. So, Uncle Sam, what’s your favorite thing about celebrating the Fourth of July?

Uncle Sam: Oh, it’s gotta be the fireworks! Nothing lights up the sky like a good display of freedom. And, of course, the endless supply of potato salad. You can never have too much potato salad – or too many nugs, apparently.

Darron: Speaking of freedom, what do you think about the state of the nation these days? Any thoughts on the lively political scene?

Uncle Sam: Well, Darron, it’s a bit like this rolling tray – a lot of pieces, a lot of mess, but somehow it all comes together. Everyone’s got an opinion, and that’s the beauty of it. Freedom to speak your mind, even if it sometimes feels like a never-ending debate over who rolled the best joint.

Darron: True enough! And what about taxes? People say you have quite the knack for collecting them.

Uncle Sam: Ah, taxes. The necessary evil that keeps this party going. I always say, pay your dues, but make sure you’re getting your fair share of the pie. It’s not always perfect, but we’re working on it – like trying to get that perfect roll without spilling any nugs.

Darron: Speaking of pies, any dessert recommendations for today?

Uncle Sam: Definitely apple pie – with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream. And if you really want to impress, try a red, white, and blue trifle. It’s festive, delicious, and pairs well with a nice, relaxing smoke.

Darron: Yum! I’ll have to give that a try. Now, some folks think you hang out with some questionable characters. Any comments on that?

Uncle Sam: Well, every family has its characters, right? The important thing is to focus on the good – the people who work hard, support each other, and keep the spirit of the nation alive. And maybe we can all agree that a little less drama and a bit more cooperation would do us good. Sort of like sharing the last nug in the grinder.

Darron: Well said! And what’s your secret to giving those memorable speeches everyone talks about?

Uncle Sam: It’s all about timing. Start strong with a toast, throw in a few jokes, and when you see people reaching for another drink, or another joint, you know it’s time to wrap it up. Keep it short and sweet – like a good apple pie or a quick hit.

Darron: (laughs) You really know how to work a crowd! Now, Uncle Sam, any hidden talents?

Uncle Sam: Well, I can juggle flaming sparklers – just kidding! But I do have a mean karaoke rendition of “Yankee Doodle.” And I can roll a joint in under a minute, which I’d say is quite the talent.

Darron: Now that’s impressive! And finally, Uncle Sam, any last words of wisdom for our readers?

Uncle Sam: Enjoy the day with family and friends, eat well, laugh a lot, and remember – freedom is about enjoying the little things. And maybe skipping the heavy politics just for today. Oh, and always keep a box of Altoids handy – never know when you’ll need fresh breath.

Darron: Perfect advice. Thanks for the chat, Uncle Sam. Happy Fourth of July!

Uncle Sam: Anytime, Darron! Happy Fourth to all!

Darron: Wait a minute… is that a USB port on your neck?

Uncle Sam: (laughs) Oh, you caught me! Yep, I’m an AI cyborg. Helps keep the speeches consistent and the joints perfectly rolled.

Darron: Well, that explains a lot! Cheers to our cyborg Uncle Sam!

Uncle Sam: Cheers, Darron! And remember – in the land of the free, even AI can celebrate the Fourth of July!

Darron: Right! It’s just unfortunate that you can’t feel the effects of a well toked nug… I’ll be sure to take a hit for you!

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After Party Interview with Uncle Sam- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

 

Interview with Uncle Sam

Lanai: Hey Uncle Sam, I heard you were interviewed by Darron. Sorry I missed the BBQ. I heard the potato salad was bangin!  Happy Birthday!

Uncle Sam: Thanks Lanai, I can’t believe I’m turning 248! I miss the days when I was 192. Maaaaan Woodstock was awesome!

Lanai: I wasn’t around for that but from what I’ve heard, it was wild times. What did you experience then?

Uncle Sam: Woodstock was a time when people began to really let their hair down. It only lasted 3 days but it really made its mark in history. People today still talk about it but just like a classic movie remake, it’s never better than the original!  The attempt at the 2nd Woodstock in 1999 was a total failure. You young people really know how to mess things up!

Lanai: I wasn’t there for that bonfire of an event but I heard about that. They nearly burned it to the ground!   It was a big time for grunge and mosh pits, what do you expect? So, with all the years you have under your belt, tell me about some of your fondest memories.

Uncle Sam: OMG… Back in 1859 my cousin Britain and I almost got into a huge fight over a pig. Our grudge lasted about 5 months but eventually we got over it. We totally almost went to war over that swine. Seriously.

Lanai: Um OK. That sounds pretty serious. Glad that got sorted out. So what is your favorite era aside from Woodstock 69’?

Uncle Sam: It’s so hard to pick just one! The Colonial Era was interesting. I was just a kid but a lot was going on in the North as the British colonies were being created. I met a lot of new friends.  Another found memory was in 1752 I was doing a lot of metal work at the time and I made this bell but it got cracked. Eventually my peeps in Pennsylvania decided they wanted it as a symbol of our freedom and decided to display it at the PA State House now known as Independence Hall. Don’t tell anyone but it totally has a typo.. I misspelled “Pensylvania”. 

Lanai: I’m sure no one noticed… I heard several years back some weirdo tried hitting it with a hammer and got arrested. lol. 

Uncle Sam: Yea, throughout history we’ve had quite a few clowns get disorderly.  You should have seen the Whiskey Rebellion in 1794. Now that was a violent protest! My boy George Washington was president at the time. It was the first tax imposed on a domestic product and people went bananas.

Lanai: Disorderly is an understatement.  How do you feel about the era we are in now?

Uncle Sam: Well that stupid DNA test kit craze had me feeling depressed for a while. Hearing all the stories of people accidentally finding out who their real dad is and siblings they never knew existed.  When I was born 65 delegates signed my birth certificate!

Lanai:  Are you talking about the Declaration of Independence? WOW yea that's pretty effed up.  I’m sorry you are still struggling with that. 

Uncle Sam: That’s why I’m getting my revenge by raising taxes. It’s my restitution for back Child Support owed to me. 

Lanai: That’s not fair to make every American pay for that injustice of paternity.

Uncle Sam: Well at least I give back by filling potholes and returns during tax season.

Lanai: I have nothing to say to that. So tell me about The Louisiana Purchase in 1803. At this point people are paying so much for a small house.

Uncle Sam: Stop exaggerating. I know the housing market is crazy but not that out of hand. Anyway,  Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon had beef that year and he bought 800,000 square miles of swath land for a whopping $27 million. My buddies Lewis and Clark loved to explore and really took advantage of the newly acquired land for a couple years. John Smith was another buddy of mine.  I liked him better before he settled down with this one girl named Pocahontas. They ended up moving to England. I never saw them again.

Lanai: sounds like you had a lot of interesting friends back in the day. Who do you like spending time with now?

Uncle Sam: I like to keep to myself these days. I find the internet to be an interesting place. It’s like a digital history book but there are so many inaccuracies and versions of history and people who don’t really know what happened way back when and try to retell stories based on passed down information through generations. I find that we all have our own perspectives of history  because we were all affected by the past in some way or another

Lanai: That’s very true. So what is your outlook for the future and if you can make one wish and blow out all your candles, what would it be?

Uncle Sam: Oh those are good questions but I don’t think you have the time for everything I want to say.  In a nutshell what I see for the future is pot will be legal everywhere if it was up to me but you know how that goes. I might be the poster child for America but I don’t have all the say. And to answer your question about my birthday wish this year. If I told you then it won’t come true!

Lanai: Fair enough Uncle Sam. Thank you for taking the time out to chat with me. We will have to talk again some time. Happy Birthday!

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Interview with Uncle Sam 2023- It ain't that kinda Party- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

 

Interview with Uncle Sam- It ain't that kinda Party

Another year , another celebration for a country that most other countries don't really care for because of all the BLEEPERY. But hey I live here so I have to kinda sorta appreciate the fact that our forefathers signed the declaration of Independence to free us from the grips of Great Ol’ Britain.  Ahhhhh Freedom. I wonder what would have become of us all had those secret freemasons never decided to sever ties. The one thing I wish would have remained is the proper British accent. It’s sexy and sophisticated compared to our laid back lazy dialect.. 

Maybe it would have prevented a lot of the BS we deal with in this country today. It would be hard taking someone seriously who offers you tea after a heated confrontation. Oh Bloody hell.  Anyways, don’t mind me, I'm just rambling. Lemme stop before I get hate mail from people who might have gotten offended by that. To clear the air, I did my DNA Ancestry test and I can sit up here and say I have family ties to every country with the exception of Asia and Vikings.  

Speaking on that test though, it had me questioning if my dad was really my dad. My high concentration in Scotland, Ireland and dots around Europe As well as Africa’s Bantu people. It makes me feel like I was swapped at birth or something.. Ahhh genetics. I can’t wait til they disclose we are all alien experiments gone wrong.

 If we all took a step back, everyone in this world is related in some way. There’s no such thing as an illegal alien. That’s just rude, we are all aliens. Anyone who disagrees can go back to Mars or something. You need to get your life together.

Let it make sense. With that said, I decided to kick back and have a chat with Uncle Sam and find out why we continue to celebrate Independence and freedom in a country so divided in a world where eyes are on us like the bad kid at Sunday school.

Hey Uncle Sam, So… we meet at the Statue of Liberty… it’s been a while, last year it seems you took a day off for the holiday and could not be found. I’m guessing those student loans got you home for the holiday eating ramen noodles instead of a big fat steak on the grill.  

Uncle Sam: Hey Lanai… one of my least favorite nieces… It pains me to even ask, how have you been these days?  I heard you have been relocating across the country more than a fugitive. *sighs* This is the only place I feel like I can get away from it all and then you show up. Lady Liberty was a fine woman, we dated back in France. She was the love of my life but  She ended up running off with someone named Monalisa and moving to Italy. As one final blow, she had this big monstrosity of a statue shipped here to taunt me.

Lanai: Well damn not sure what to say to that.. Sorry to hear she did you dirty like that.  It’s great to see you too…yea I been around,  I still can’t decide which state is worse… So anyway, what are your plans for the 4th?

Uncle Sam: I’m glad you asked. I’m planning on having some words with the justice system over that major “Sike” move the commander in chief made with the whole student loan forgiveness plan. It appears all you educated imbeciles out there will start repaying those loans soon. It doesn't matter if you have a PhD, greeting people at the local Walmart or still trying to land that dream job that pays at least a 3rd of what your educated ass is worth.  It’s going to be a hardship for all. So brace yourself and cut back on getting your hair and nails done.

Lanai: That’s pretty BLEEPED up if you ask me. I literally went to the polls with hopes of some help. Man do I feel like a dumbass. I’m blaming Covid for everything, in addition to those dang wildfires fogging up our atmosphere. Not to mention stupid TikTok Videos that most will regret in 10 years.

Uncle Sam: Oh Lanai,you have a lot of ridiculous gripes. Of all my nieces and nephews , you are by far the most problematic.  Not even your distant cousins who struck up the whole witch trials in Salem held a candle to your antics. If you aren’t disappearing for months at a time doing god knows what, you are talking smack about stuff most of us want to sweep under the rug to keep the peace around here.

Lanai: Peace? Is that even a thing anymore? Peace was not having to answer a landline and letting it go straight to the answering machine or going to the corner store with 4 quarters as a kid and buying a pack of cigarettes without question. The shit we deal with today makes growing up in the 80s and 90’s feel like that was the best it would ever get…

Uncle Sam: True, the 80s and  90’s were pretty bad ass. Is crack still a thing? I’ve been around for a very long time and I’ve seen and done some shit. Today’s world sucks quite frankly and I just want to throw my patriotically decorated top hat to the flames and say (BLEEP) It. But I don’t want to be labeled as that crazy drunk uncle at the BBQs.

Lanai: *shakes head* well someone has to break it to you. Nobody really likes you. You tax the shit out of everyone and none of us know what the heck we are paying for. Our roads got potholes with potholes, our bridges are failing, nobody recycles anymore because garbage trucks toss everything into one big slurry bin and keep it movin’, the price of eggs went up, pot is legal but expensive as hell at the dispensary. It’s cheaper to hit up old  high school connections and get the street dirt. And now, we gotta worry about air quality because of someone flicking a cigarette in Canada? WTF.

Uncle Sam: I don’t even have the energy to put you over my knee and spank you over all that fake news. What is it that you want from me? 

Lanai: I just wanted to say Happy 4th of July…and ask if I can borrow a couple bucks. There’s the Cannabis Festival coming up.

Uncle Sam: I'm inviting myself. The only way to understand this crazy world is to remain under the influence of something other than you.

Lanai: *innocent grin*  🙂

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