The SL Enquirer: Uncle Sam

Interview with Uncle Sam- It ain't that kinda Party

Another year , another celebration for a country that most other countries don't really care for because of all the BLEEPERY. But hey I live here so I have to kinda sorta appreciate the fact that our forefathers signed the declaration of Independence to free us from the grips of Great Ol’ Britain. Ahhhhh Freedom. I wonder what would have become of us all had those secret freemasons never decided to sever ties. The one thing I wish would have remained is the proper British accent. It’s sexy and sophisticated compared to our laid back lazy dialect..

Maybe it would have prevented a lot of the BS we deal with in this country today. It would be hard taking someone seriously who offers you tea after a heated confrontation. Oh Bloody hell. Anyways, don’t mind me, I'm just rambling. Lemme stop before I get hate mail from people who might have gotten offended by that. To clear the air, I did my DNA Ancestry test and I can sit up here and say I have family ties to every country with the exception of Asia and Vikings.

Speaking on that test though, it had me questioning if my dad was really my dad. My high concentration in Scotland, Ireland and dots around Europe As well as Africa’s Bantu people. It makes me feel like I was swapped at birth or something.. Ahhh genetics. I can’t wait til they disclose we are all alien experiments gone wrong.

If we all took a step back, everyone in this world is related in some way. There’s no such thing as an illegal alien. That’s just rude, we are all aliens. Anyone who disagrees can go back to Mars or something. You need to get your life together.

Let it make sense. With that said, I decided to kick back and have a chat with Uncle Sam and find out why we continue to celebrate Independence and freedom in a country so divided in a world where eyes are on us like the bad kid at Sunday school.

Hey Uncle Sam, So… we meet at the Statue of Liberty… it’s been a while, last year it seems you took a day off for the holiday and could not be found. I’m guessing those student loans got you home for the holiday eating ramen noodles instead of a big fat steak on the grill.

Uncle Sam: Hey Lanai… one of my least favorite nieces… It pains me to even ask, how have you been these days? I heard you have been relocating across the country more than a fugitive. *sighs* This is the only place I feel like I can get away from it all and then you show up. Lady Liberty was a fine woman, we dated back in France. She was the love of my life but She ended up running off with someone named Monalisa and moving to Italy. As one final blow, she had this big monstrosity of a statue shipped here to taunt me.

Lanai: Well damn not sure what to say to that.. Sorry to hear she did you dirty like that. It’s great to see you too…yea I been around, I still can’t decide which state is worse… So anyway, what are your plans for the 4th?

Uncle Sam: I’m glad you asked. I’m planning on having some words with the justice system over that major “Sike” move the commander in chief made with the whole student loan forgiveness plan. It appears all you educated imbeciles out there will start repaying those loans soon. It doesn't matter if you have a PhD, greeting people at the local Walmart or still trying to land that dream job that pays at least a 3rd of what your educated ass is worth. It’s going to be a hardship for all. So brace yourself and cut back on getting your hair and nails done.

Lanai: That’s pretty BLEEPED up if you ask me. I literally went to the polls with hopes of some help. Man do I feel like a dumbass. I’m blaming Covid for everything, in addition to those dang wildfires fogging up our atmosphere. Not to mention stupid TikTok Videos that most will regret in 10 years.

Uncle Sam: Oh Lanai,you have a lot of ridiculous gripes. Of all my nieces and nephews , you are by far the most problematic. Not even your distant cousins who struck up the whole witch trials in Salem held a candle to your antics. If you aren’t disappearing for months at a time doing god knows what, you are talking smack about stuff most of us want to sweep under the rug to keep the peace around here.

Lanai: Peace? Is that even a thing anymore? Peace was not having to answer a landline and letting it go straight to the answering machine or going to the corner store with 4 quarters as a kid and buying a pack of cigarettes without question. The shit we deal with today makes growing up in the 80s and 90’s feel like that was the best it would ever get…

Uncle Sam: True, the 80s and 90’s were pretty bad ass. Is crack still a thing? I’ve been around for a very long time and I’ve seen and done some shit. Today’s world sucks quite frankly and I just want to throw my patriotically decorated top hat to the flames and say (BLEEP) It. But I don’t want to be labeled as that crazy drunk uncle at the BBQs.

Lanai: *shakes head* well someone has to break it to you. Nobody really likes you. You tax the shit out of everyone and none of us know what the heck we are paying for. Our roads got potholes with potholes, our bridges are failing, nobody recycles anymore because garbage trucks toss everything into one big slurry bin and keep it movin’, the price of eggs went up, pot is legal but expensive as hell at the dispensary. It’s cheaper to hit up old high school connections and get the street dirt. And now, we gotta worry about air quality because of someone flicking a cigarette in Canada? WTF.

Uncle Sam: I don’t even have the energy to put you over my knee and spank you over all that fake news. What is it that you want from me?