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Thursday, November 25, 2021

SLE ARCHIVES 2017: Thanksgiving. What’s the Big Deal? Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

This parody article is back by popular demand,

Thanksgiving is observed in the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Liberia, and Norfolk Island on the fourth Thursday of November. This year it falls on the 23rd day of the month.
The holiday includes a gathering of family and friends for the great feast of the season. Traditionally, tables are laid out like a buffet of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, gravy and all sorts of other family recipes passed down from generations.

Today, the meal is usually followed by some football, snacks, and beer. The whole day seems to revolve around food and entertaining house guests or house hoppin’ for pickings.
But really... what is Thanksgiving about?

I sat down with Pilgrim Pete and Chief Roughneck to ask them about this holiday and get both perspectives on how it came about. 

Interview with a Pilgrim and an Indian

Lanai: First let me thank you both for agreeing to sit down with me for an interview. I know you both hold grudges BUT you are both the reason for the holiday. How did it come about?

Pilgrim Pete: Hello there Lanai, you look lovely today. Thank you for the invitation to share with you some important information about this special holiday. The first Thanksgiving is up for debate because everyone wants to claim they came up with the idea, but I like to think it occurred in my hometown of Plymouth, Massachusetts in 1621 and its true origins come from England. It has to do with fasting due to droughts and religion and all that. Today, it is pretty diluted and separating from religion for many. It seems to have turned into some kind of eat and drink till you drop celebration.
 I don’t even think people thank each other or the lord anymore.

Chief Roughneck: I agree with Pete, This holiday should be called Feast and Football if you ask me. Pete’s peeps came over here on their giant ships, wearing their big ol’ fancy hats and ruffle with their uptight wives and kids...WHY they chose Plymouth and didn’t keep going until they fell off the map is beyond me. They had to park here and start claiming shit in the “new world”. Pfft.

Pilgrim Pete: Hey now Chief, don’t get mad at me. I wasn’t the one sailing the boat. Besides that, my wife is a distant cousin of Pocahontas FYI. If it was up to me I would have at least paid some kind of rent for land when I got here.

Chief Roughneck: First they take our our women... What kind of sh*t AND Rent??? You Pilgrims forced us to accept a few measly beans and empty promises. We all got evicted from our land and put on reservations to make up for it! Don’t get me started.

Pilgrim Pete: WTF are you talking about? Excuse my bad English little lady. But Chief, you need to calm down and give her a little bit more respect.

Lanai: OK! Calm down and let's get back on topic here before I put you both on a paddle boat and kick you out to sea to settle your differences. Sooooooo, now that we established a bit about where it came from, what exactly did the pilgrims and Indians do to celebrate? There had to be a time of peace when you came together.

Chief Roughneck: Well Miss Jarrico. While Pete over here peeled 2-3 potatoes and played ring toss with his puritan friends the whole time, The wives were busy checking us out as we dashed across the terrain tackling big game with our spears. I was out hunting the real food like a real man.

These people can’t hunt for sh*t! If it wasn’t for us showing them how to fend for themselves, they would have all succumbed to our harsh winters and whatnot.

Lanai: please stop taking stabs at each other we are not in the 1600s. This is supposed to be about giving thanks and togetherness.

Pilgrim Pete: *CENSORED* togetherness and giving thanks! Chief Big balls over here has the nerve to down my efforts. I’ll have you know Chief, we are responsible for all the lovely marijuana you smoke and pass around the teepee, so don’t get it twisted!

Lanai: Wow, OK then.

Chief Roughneck: OK Fine. Maybe I should be giving thanks for YOU helping contribute to the current crack and bath salt epidemic we have in this country now!

Pilgrim Pete: What!?!

Lanai: Good grief! This interview is getting nowhere fast. Let’s settle this. WHY are you two still at each other’s throats. I thought the whole Thanksgiving and piracy of the new world was resolved so everyone can just be happy and get alone on at least one day of the year! Geez.

Pilgrim Pete: You are right Miss Jarrico. Sorry for Chief Roughneck’s behavior and I’m sorry for the insults I contributed. I just got carried away. Thank you for the debate it made me realize something. I am thankful for my family and friends.

Chief Roughneck:
Don’t be apologizing for me, Pete. I will accept your apology on the conditions that you go fetch Turkey this year. I hear the ones in Siberia are the best.

Pilgrim Pete: Siberia? Ok but only if you take off that silly feathered hat before I mistake you for the main course.

Chief Roughneck: o.O

Lanai: some people never change... Happy Thanksgiving everyone. xoxo

Due to popular demand. This article is republished.


  1. Very funny interview! It must have been such fun to do! I hope they've buried their differences, and not their hatchets in each other. As a non american I loved this, it was very informative for those of us that have no real experience of it or what the day is really all about. Maybe somebody will enlighten me as to why you have the 4th July next! Not that I'm condoning independance from the mother country as I live in it.


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