Misadventures of Fetish Club Hoppin’ in SL- Lanai Jarrico

Ever hear of vore RP?  No? Me either up until recently after 18 years in SL.  Let me explain…. I went out for a night on the town with Josh, my top writer as my wingman. He told me I need some excitement in my SLife. I agree but daaaaamn. I’m down for being spanked and getting my hair pulled and all that kinky stuff but this little tiny lizard approached me in a club and asked if I ever did vore rp. I stood there perplexed and felt like a deer in headlights in the middle of the dancefloor and nearly stepped on the Geico lookin mascot.

[19:59] “Little Lizard”: Hey, do you rp vore? :)

[20:00] Lanai Jarrico: What is that?

[20:01] “Little Lizard”: Vore is a roleplay where you'd swallow a micro like me whole. There is no chewing/scat or anything of the sort. It can be sexual and can involve other fetishes such as sub/domme or feet. It's fun to try if you think you'd consider trying sometime?

[20:03] Lanai Jarrico: um never heard of it and not sure thats something id like to try. [20:03] “Little Lizard”: No worries, perhaps another time.

It sounds like a choking hazard. I doubt I’ll change my mind…

Josh AKA “Wingman”:  OMG.  The Boss is feeling “feisty”  I remember the last time this happened, she ended up being banned from THREE regions.  Now Lizard Boy has her thinking is it her MOUTH he wants access to. Can’t let that happen again! Why isn’t there a mongoose around to take care of this pest? I’ll just stick close and keep an eye on things.”

 I have to admit, I am rusty at my approach and how I react to being accosted by men… err lizards in clubs. In this case a booger sized lizard at my feet. With my wingman in tow, I felt safe enough to move along to average sized avatars and randomly approach  men and throw cheesy unsolicited lines at them to see what sticks. On top of that, I was sober…. So this went as well as one could expect from someone who hasn't been on the dating scene in a long time.

Josh: OK…this might not be so bad.  One or two quick dances, and then I will try and steer her back home where she can sleep it off. Not sure if she’ll go.  She has been raving all night about some “incredible edibles”  whatever THAT is.  Must be some new kind of candy.

I couldn't help myself when I spotted a handsome avie by the name of Dany pop lockin and droppin it on the dancefloor. I just had to IM him as I stood close to Josh for moral support and an easy escape plan.

It went a little something like this…lets just call him …Dany.

[20:27] Lanai Jarrico: Hey Dany, are you into sucking mayonnaise covered toes?

[20:28] Dany : haahahahaha don't know never tried that

[20:29] Lanai Jarrico: Bring tomatoes and a slice of cheese and we can make a cheap sandwich

[20:30] Dany: and who is bringing bread

[20:30] Lanai Jarrico: I said cheap lmao

OK it’s obvious, I don’t have any game and I can’t be taken seriously sober ... .Josh grabbed my hand and got me out of there before a food fetish fight broke out.

Next stop was DSC ake Dog Sex Club. I’m not sure why I even landed there but it happened. I mean… I am a pet lover like the next person but  this place was definitely not for me…. I was gone before anybody said a word.  I think you need a rabies shot to cross the yellow ban lines.

However, It did get a glimpse of what appeared to be a wolf standing upright in a speedo next to a scantily clad bunny rabbit. I didn’t stick around long enough to see what happens when a wolf meets a rabbit. Something tells me… it would have gotten really ugly and I would have been traumatized for the rest of my Slife.

Josh:  Yeah.  Thank goodness we didn’t stay long, and the SL Enquirer budget did not allow us to o cheap to spring for the 150L Group joining fee.  I guess she could have handled the Dalmations if push came to shove…..but it got really sketchy when I saw her being eyed by a couple of Clydsdales. Time to skedaddle,. That’s for sure!

Next stop The Cuckholding Wife…

Ahhhh yes! What strong minded woman wouldnt want to collar her man and make him watch as she did the nasty with a random dude and then make him clean up the mess. I had to break the ice…but just before I could muster up another embarrassing pick up line… I got an IM from  “Roam”. Here's how that went down.

[20:51] Roam:  good evening

[20:52] Lanai Jarrico: Hello to you

[20:52] Roam: how are you doing?

[20:53] Lanai Jarrico: I'm great. How do you feel about rolling in canola oil and spam while pouring hot sauce all over me?

[20:53] Roam: here for a story or pleasure?

[20:53] Lanai Jarrico: both

Sighs… I don’t think fetish club hopping is my thing. I just don’t know how to act.

Josh AKA “Wingman”: Whew.  Finally dragged her out of there. Now she wants to go to a place called Maui

OK, One last hurrah before I commit myself to just being a reporter and trying to keep myself out of trouble….

Josh AKA “Wingman”:  Finally!  The LAST stop of the night. A place called Maui Swinger Resort.  Arghghghg.  She actually asked me if there were teeter totters and slides in addition to the “swings”? Geeeeze.  That woman is going to get in serious trouble out here…and not by any kindergarten cops on the playground.

I put my Novice tag on and stripped down to a Bikini. The music was good and I was workin the boardwalk dancefloor with my best hip hop dance moves. I was feeling good and trying to read the room. Not much was happening except for a bunch of avatars in IMz standing around, some getting it on on the scattered beach chairs and beds and others just chillin at the bar. It didn't take long before the IMz started rolling in. One was surprised that I was “still” a Novice looking as good as I did and he offered to “help me out”. Apparently you have to gain referrals by givin up the goods and demonstrating your emote skills to a Maui Swinger in order to move on up the slut chain.  I aint about that fuckery so I called it a night and took my sorry ass to bed.

Wingman Josh:  OK.  Finally got her settled down.  I am torn in my duties as Wingman.  Do I stay with her and give my intimidating stare at any jerk who tries to get close?  Or do I move away and watch her from a block away, scoping out any who approach her and doing a quick background investigation using the Linden Lab police records so I can toss any obvious bad actors?  Just as things are settling down, she tells me she just got a IM from some dude she used to date named “XXX” and he wants her to “come back to his skybox to see his etchings.  OMG!  ETCHINGS?  This guy sounds like a reject from the cast of Saturday Night Live. Crap…She’s going with him.  I guess I will have to wait and get a full debirie tomorrow. 

Last night got nowhere fast, the “candy” I had before my outing with Josh was wearing out and I found myself yawning uncontrollably while “XXX” whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Nothing happened… I promise. I basically wished him a good night and went home, laid in bed and added an entry to my diary.

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WINTER THEMED SHIT TO DO IN SECOND LIFE- The Grinch Reporting…

The Grinch here…. That pain in the ass reporter Lanai offered me some community service by putting together this extremely irritating collection of sh*t to do in Second Life.  Instead of going around the grid and doing something nice to a bunch of random avatars, why not kill all the birds with one big fat stone!

  I know all you virtual knuckleheads are littering the grid with your presence and spending countless hours standing around trying to figure out what to do next. Well I’m here to help only because I don’t have anything worse to do…I have a court order to find my holiday spirit. I’d rather be racking up  at a wine & spirits whilst wasting this season away in a drunken stupor.  *grumbles* HOWEVER, here goes my contributions to the Second Life community.  You’re welcome…

SNOWBALL FIGHTS AND SLEIGH RIDE TOURS!

Visit Seasons Change at Blissful Dreams and flex that good throwing arm and bash in a few skulls with a snowball fight. (I’d pack a rock in it personally but a reindeer pellet is just as effective… If you aren’t in the mood for that, there’s always a good ol’ fashioned sleigh ride tour for exploring this embarrassing beautiful sim! The best part is your view is a horse's ass….You’re welcome.

Description: Winter, Christmas,  dancing, ice skating, snow, snowball fights, sleigh rides, Santa Claus, Tree Farm, church, photos, photography, exploring.

Please change WL / Day Cycle to Shared Environment, /*Sky: "Phototools Moon Light

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Blissful%20Dreams/125/208/27

COEUR LAC D’ANNECY SUMMIT SKI LIFT RESORT

FFS, Why on Linden's pixelated grid would anybody want to strap a set of sticks on and plunge headfirst down a mountain… OHHHH wait, that could be entertaining if there were lots of trees. I’d pay for tickets to see a bunch of avies bounce around like pinballs. 

Description: The summit ski lift station is your drop off point for skiing adventures! Walk or ski down the ramps to the ski lodge. From there, use the western slope for Slalom timed runs. The eastern slope is for freestyle skiing for 1 to 8 skiers. Snowmobiles too!

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Coeur%20Lac%20Annecy/51/21/2179

ICE SKATING AT SEASIDE ICE!

What an oxymoron this is…Ice skating seaside. Why not attempt ice surfing? 

Ice Skating can be a serious sport in real life if you suck at keeping your balance like a runway model wearing 8 inch high stilettos but have no fear in Second Life, you can’t break an ankle or two!  Better yet break a leg and check out Seaside Ice, strap on those ice skates and get your swan dance going across this frozen pond! Don’t tell em’ I sent you.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Sailors%20Cove/98/181/23

Broke for the holidays and don’t have ice skates? DSL got that covered with HUDS and Rezzers on the cheap.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Pandorus/243/122/37

LOOKING FOR AN ALL IN ONE PLACE TO SKI, SNOWBOARD OR PLAY SOME HOCKEY?

I can’t stand Lanai, she always has to be in the middle of pictures like she's some sort of superstar or something…. Anyway, Check out Spectators Section- Cleary Arena! There’s all kinds of sh*t to do at this winter sports community. Go play some hockey and get a bunch of teeth knocked out.

Description: Welcome, friends! Enjoy FREE ICE SKATING, SKIING, SNOWBOARDING, SKI JUMP,  ICE HOCKEY! Play or watch GOHA ice hockey and other winter activities. New residents, freebies, sports, and a myriad of winter fun awaits you. Home of Winterfest 2010.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Cross%20Check/121/200/42

WINTER FUN AND GAMES AT NYSHALA

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a toe or an eye or both! Check it out but don’t say I didn’t threaten you with a good time. If you see me at Whoville, don’t ask for a selfie with me. I don’t know you or like you! 

TING  BOWLING MINI GOLF  BUMPER CARS DEMO DERBY.  RELAX, HANG OUT, DANCE. GAMES GREEDY, PENTADEE CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY AND MORE

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Nyshala/137/138/22

Ok you little wastes of cyberspace, I did a lot of the footwork for winter activities in Second Life. If you still haven’t found something fun to do this winter, reevaluate your SL situation and get back to basics with an Atari!

-The Grinch

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INTERVIEW WITH SANTA 2023- Whos being Naughty or Nice?- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

 

The holiday season is the time of year where people seem to evaluate how naughty or nice they have been as well as determine who gets gifts or a big ol’ lump of coal. This year I had a secret meeting with Santa to try and get an idea of how he rates my conduct this year so I can ... .agree or disagree with his findings in hopes I don’t end up taking hours shoveling the big pile of coal he left in my front yard last year. I personally think he made a mistake and it was meant for a neighbor… He has been very elusive this year and sending all my calls to voicemail so I decided to show up at this house in the North Pole unannounced to have a few words with him.

INTERVIEW WITH SANTA

*LANAI POUNDS ON THE DOOR LIKE THE SLPD* AND PEEKS THROUGH THE WINDOWS*

LANAI: Santa, I know you are in there! I just want to talk to you about a package left in my yard last year in error. It was clearly from you but the shipping fee was way too high to return it.

SANTA: Go away, I do not answer to solicitors.

LANAI: Stop playing, you know exactly who I am. 

SANTA: Lanai, you have got to be the biggest pain in the ass from the time you started walking.  think I don’t remember the child you were back then and the adult version you are today. Now go away! 

LANAI: Sighs. Do I have to remind you of the special brownies I left you instead of stale cookies over the years? What do you think makes you so jolly after stopping at my house on Christmas eve? Are we really going to have this conversation through a door? It’s cold. Let me in!

SANTA: *grumbling* Unlatches about 20 locks* Come in and stop shouting. I don’t need the reindeers knowing about that.

LANAI: It’s nice to see you too. *dusts off the snow and walks inside* So Santa, why do you hold such a grudge against me for every foul thing I may Have done. For every “minor” incident, I do like 20 nice things so stop dumping coal in my yard every year.

SANTA: Lanai, I have covered up for a lot of things you have done like the time you accidentally lit a whole sim on fire trying the magic hud you got for Christmas one year. Or in 2020 when you tried stealing a Christmas tree from the town square and ended up in the paper as the victim.

LANAI: Wasn’t me and the tree thing… I was traumatized! Don’t you have any compassion!

SANTA: Lanai…. You dropped your ID when you hauled ass out of there after the fire, they even got you on video… And you are lucky I pulled some string to have it reported in the newspaper in your favor!

LANAI: Fine. I admit that was an accident. I didn’t know pressing the red button would blow up a whole sim, no one got hurt…. I’ll admit the Christmas tree incident was kinda my fault…Thank you for the cover up but you didn't have to give them a picture to use!

SANTA: Thank goodness no one was hurt either time!  What about the time you cause an all out brawl at an Avatar anonymous meeting with all the holiday mascots. One of them lost a toe in the whole ordeal.

LANAI: Hey, they were already feuding before I got there. I tried to mediate but it got out of hand when cupid tried hitting on me and the Easter Bunny got jealous. Stop bringing up the past, I’m a new woman and I am devoting myself to peace and harmony.

SANTA:  Pfft. the only time the world is at peace and harmony is when you are sleeping! For once take some responsibility for your actions.  You continuously appear at catastrophic events in Second Life, yet none of it is your fault.

LANAI: I agree. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m a reporter. That’s usually how it goes. I’m constantly putting myself at the front lines risking my second life and you consider it all my fault!?! Enough about me. What about the time you needed me to talk some sense into Mrs. Clause, she was about to leave your ass for Father time. Or the time you got caught being a peeping tom instead of dropping off gifts at a swingers club which I will not name.

                                                (Lanai talked sense into Mrs. Clause)

SANTA: OMG, lower your voice, Mrs Clause is taking a nap.

LANAI: Santa, If I apologize, will you reconsider giving me my Christmas wish this year? I’m not asking for much.

SANTA: If I consider revising my naughty list for you, will you leave me alone?.... What is it you want?

LANAI: A man. Not just any man though. One who is smart, talented, gifted in specific areas, sexy, and wants only me. A Prince preferably.

Lanai’s dream man

SANTA: You just described Patrick Dempsey aka “MCDreamy”. He was featured in People’s Magazine 2023 as the sexiest man alive ya know. But he’s not a Prince…

LANAI: Are you kidding me? We weren’t even a match on the exclusive dating app Raya! Aside from that he placed 3rd in a Juggling contest back in high school and had aspirations to go to clown College. No thank you.

Just sayin’

SANTA: Fine. Let me see what I can do. Now if that is all you want you don’t have to leave the North Pole but you gots to get the hell out of here before the wife wakes up. You know she thinks we had a thing since that Christmas party back in 2009 when you sat on my lap and started singing “Happy Birthday Mr President”

LANAI: I don’t recall.

SANTA: Yea ok. You know exactly what you were trying to do.

LANAI: *blinks* Give me a little credit. That wasn’t a candy cane in your pocket…

SANTA: Lanai… I know you have a thing for me and all but, I cannot be your Christmas present!

LANAI: Don’t flatter yourself Mr Clause. One of the things I’m looking for is someone hot and I hate to break it to you. I was drunk off Eggnog that night. I’m not going to do this back and forth with you. I’ll be expecting a sexy man wrapped in a big ass bow under my tree Christmas morning. If not, I’m telling Mrs. Clause EVERYTHING! Including your account on squirt.org and about your 7 illegitimate kids that live with Snow White.

SANTA: OK! OK! Does height matter?

Lanai: MMMMhmmmm it sure does. Ok my mission is done here. Merry Christmas Santa, You should treat yourself to something special this year. Like a ticket to Mars on one of those SpaceX rockets. Bye Felicia!

Disclosure: This is a spoof interview. Santa really doesn’t have an account on squirt.org. Lanai was bluffing but perhaps he does since he didn't deny it. Everything he accused Lanai of is fake news. Everything about Patrick Dempsey is true but you can’t always believe everything you read on the internet.

 On behalf of The SL Enquirer, Have a very Merry Christmas and a super fantastic New Year!

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Corn Maze! Stacey Cardalines Reporting...

I grew up in a suburban part of New England, and a major rite of Autumn was to go to a corn maze. 

Autumn is unique in that there is no major participatory holiday like the 4th of July or Christmas between Labor Day and Halloween. Many people therefore use Autumn as a sort of minor, extended celebration that ranges from pumpkin patches to apple cider donuts to hay rides. This gets them through the end of October, where they can hang ghouls off the house and dress like a Scary Nurse.

The town I grew up in was not immune to this, so every year would see a bunch of us- sometimes drunk- head out into the farm country to wander through a corn maze. I only say "sometimes drunk" because I was both doing mazes as a child (not drinking) or taking the kids to it (drinking after), which balances out my teens, early twenties and going-with-friends part of my life where one would have to be drunk to go to one.

About half the time, we never finished the maze, backtracking our way out and vowing to whip the maze next year. This happened every time we went after drinking, and a lot of the times where the children wore out easily. I can't actually remember beating the maze, to be honest, although I suppose we probably beat it a few times as children and I just can't remember. 

There are corn mazes in every county where I live, and where I live is only semi-rural. I can't imagine how many there must be in somewhere like Iowa. I recall reading that driving through there was basically "corn corn corn Walmart corn corn corn Gas Station corn corn corn Burger King corn corn corn..." They must have mazes everywhere there, and it would be cool to connect them all into an Iowa-sized maze and trap like 3% of America's population there during Tourist Season.

Corn mazes came into vogue in the 1990s, although no one knows who the first genius to try this out was. The idea sprung from the fact that you have to grow acres and acres of corn to make a profit, and the stalks have to be cut down after. Some great human figured out how to make a maze from this, people showed their interest with their pocketbooks and a new tradition emerged. Many farms rely on this part of the year to stay in the black.

With the bleedover into Halloween season, many mazes are also "haunted," and feature various goblins and serial killers. At least one horror movie- Chlidren Of The Corn- is set in a cornfield, and I am probably forgetting others. A corn maze is closely related to a hedge maze, and even an amateurish corn maze somehow looks creepier than the hedge maze at the end of The Shining. That's not easy to do.

They are best as a rural thing, however. Not many people farm these days, and a corn maze is often the only time a lot of people get close to a way of life that almost everyone practiced at one time.

I went to French Farm on SL to check out a SL corn maze. I was not disappointed. The sim is wholly decked out for fall, and I plan to get several articles out of my visit there. I must have took 100 pictures. They did a really nice job with the season, and I advise you to check it out for yourself. I don't know if they are French or just named French.

Their maze is easy to navigate, and has lots of surprises. There are enough dead ends (each with something cool in it) to make it so you have to at least concentrate a bit. I only took pictures of a few things in the maze, leaving the rest for our readers to discover on their own. It doesn't take long to go through, but you can stretch that out by looking everything over real slow. There are other activities on the im to keep you busy if you make it out of the maze. 

French Farm must be running this through Halloween, because they have a haunted maze, featuring various spooks and haunts and He Who Walks Behind The Rows. It's more cutesy than terrifying, and is a lot of fun either way. If they are smart, they will run it through Thanksgiving. Harvest Season sort of runs, at least in American imaginations, from the day after Labor Day until the end of November.... even late December, if you throw in Christmas tree farms

Please note that I included a picture of me finishing the maze, just in case you think I cheated my way out or anything.

French Farm:

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/The%20French%20Farm/52/85/24

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Buying a Dance Pole- Stacey Cardalines Reporting...

 I have a side hustle as a dancer. The SL Enquirer pays just fine, I'm nowhere near poor, but I am a hardcore kind of girl and I also make sports bets that lead to arrangements where I work as a dancer. It's a long story, probably more interesting than what I am to write about today, but it is also a story for another day.

I'm not a stripper. I'm too short (I look a lot like that Boston girl from the Olympic gymnastics team a few years ago, especially if I hang around with people who are taller... a group which, at last count, includes everyone) to make a real living as a dancer, and the sim I dance at is Moderate, so no T&A from your favorite sportswriter. I wear as little as I can, but there are parts of me that I am only comfortable having seen by my doctor and my husband. "Dancer" is only part of my job duties there, which also involve Greeting, Modeling, Security, Orientation and even Scouting. Again, this would probably make a better story than what I am writing about, but it is also a story for another day.

My sister Courtney and I are under a certain obligation to a woman known as the Sea Witch, and we formerly worked as dancers at this nasty racial slavery sim where we suffered every abuse imaginable. We were quite happy to be moved by the Sea Witch to Divas, which is a professional wrestling sim. We were nude all the time at our former spot, but Divas only required that we dress like wrestlers in gear from their wrestling-themed mall. Not a bad gig, if you can get it. I refuse to wear wrestling boots- I'm short, wrestling boots tend to be large, and I look like I am wearing Daddy's boots when I wear them, which isn't often- but that is also a story for another day.

The Sea Witch just sort of gave us to Divas to serve as dancing tips jars for the sim, and they really didn't know we were coming. A stage was assembled, and dancer poles were set up. The poles were from like 2008 or so, you had to move through the dances individually, and you'd sometimes de-hover into the floor. I would often forsake the poles and just rely on my Cheerleading hud. Stacey Cardalines does not complain, but I bitched enough that the managers there eventually gave Courtney and I permission to upgrade the infrastructure. 

Armed with two dancers' worth of salary, off we went to get a stripper pole. Again, we aren't allowed to strip, but a certain lingo exists among professionals, and semantics matter little in that crowd. I'm checking my pockets for the newspaper version of Payola, I don't see any, so I won't get into the names of all the stores that we visited. I don't look this goddamned good for free, children, and mesh shapes don't grow on trees. Just make the check out to Stacey Cardalines, yes Cardalines, C-A-R... ah, however you spell that.

There are several factors to consider when shopping for a dancer pole. Artistry is chief among them. You have to be doing dances that make people want to stay around and watch you, and perhaps even return again some day. Some poles are way better than others at this. You'd think it would be hard to make a dancing supermodel look stupid, but it can be done, and you can see so for yourself if you go to enough vendors. There are also some ones which are works of art. This leads into our second consideration, Cost.

You can drive a Toyota or a Tesla and still get to work at the same time. Differences exist between the two, however. Dance poles are like that. Sometimes, they cost more because they are significantly better. Some stores just hack together a dance pole that gets boring, for the dancer in ten minutes and for the audience in fifteen minutes. Some stores overpay a creator and then overcharge a consumer. Shop according to your need. If you are going to be dancing in the lobby of a popular sim, you will need a great variety of dances. If you bring a guy home and spin around on a personal dance pole as a prelude to sex... well, you really don't need 75 dances for that, at least not on the pole.

More popular brands of dance poles may be more expensive because they are better. However, the more popular they are, the more likely it is that customers will have seen some other girl do these very dances somewhere else. "Homogenous" is not how you want your dancing described. If you get a bit obscure, it may be a treat for the more veteran dancer girl fans. 

There are certain features shared by several manufacturers. One is having a pole that both male and female dancers can use, either via Unisex dances or by distinct menu settings. Another is having two girls be able to share the pole at once, usually known in the trade as Dual mode. We actually ended up getting the dancer pole with male and female dances, even though we are a female wrestling sim and seeing a guy dance there would be disappointing to most of our visitors.

An important thing, and I was told this by many different dancers at many different clubs which I visited while researching this article, is to get Auto Sequence. This is a feature where the dances are cycled through automatically, thus saving the dancer from having to click a menu every 30 seconds. I found that it is ideal to have a lot of dances in the quiver if you plan to rely on auto-sequence.

Land Impact, or whatever they call that, also serves as a possible deal-breaker. Some poles have the land impact of a cat sleeping on the rug in an unused corner of a living room. Some have the land impact of a border collie chasing a butterfly through a dining room. Prims are like what Mark Twain said about land, "Buy it whenever you can, because they ain't makin' any more of it." If you don't want the sim owner to hate you, get as low-prim as you can stand.

One thing that is oh-so-important is to get out in the world and test drive the pole. Ride it for every dance it has, take note of the good ones, lose the landmarks for the bad ones. Drag a friend along for a second opinion. Establish a group of favorites, and then it is decision time. There are certain things that only the experts should buy on SL Marketplace, and a dance pole is one of them.

Take it home (or, in our case, to Divas), set it up... Voila! You have a strip club. I didn't set ours up, Courtney did, so I have no technical insight here.

Come watch Stacey dance, or have the other dancers tell you how awful she is... http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Grant/116/145/461

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POLICE REPORT: BREAKING NEWS! Lanai's Encounter with Karen at Starbucks leads to charges

 

January 5, 2023- Lanai Jarrico was nearly arrested for disorderly conduct, simple assault, and battery with a rolled-up newspaper outside of Starbucks. 

Karen Smithstofferson, 45 of Honeysuckle Tart Estate filed a complaint while holding an ice pack over her eye and crying hysterically late Thursday afternoon claiming Lanai Jarrico attacked her with what she thought was a steel baseball bat for no reason. Karen also claimed she simply stopped by Starbucks after an exhausting shopping trip at Costco.  She asked for her usual nonfat venti Peppermint mocha Frappuccino Blended beverage, with no vanilla, Caramel Macchiato when Karen accused Lanai of shoving her resulting in a one-sided altercation. While Lanai stood there staring at her like she was an idiot.

Karen Immediately requested to speak to the manager while calling the police on speed dial.  The barista witnessed the entire interaction and immediately asked Karen to leave the premises. As she gathered her drink and headed for the door she turned to Lanai and called her a terrible journalist and held up her middle finger until she got outside. 

According to video footage, Lanai was practicing social distancing as she waited patiently for Karen to finish her rant before stepping up to the counter to order a hot chocolate and a vanilla almond biscotti.

Witnesses say Lanai was approached outside by a seething Karen who was seen pacing back and forth mumbling nonsense.  Lanai stood there for a moment just observing until Karen stepped into her personal space causing Lanai to swing a rolled-up newspaper knocking Karen out cold on the sidewalk.  

Within minutes police arrived on the scene to investigate the situation and interviewed  both women while administering first aid to Karen. 

 It was determined that with the rash of Karenism spreading like wildfire at various Starbucks, Walmarts, Costco, Target, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Walgreens, Taco Bells, Hobby Lobby, and numerous Hair and Nails Salons, it was well deserved. Lanai was let go with a warning while Karen was arrested for unlawful use of 911 for a non-emergency and fined 500L for littering when she spilled her drink on her way down to the pavement. Lanai was given a lifetime supply of Starbucks for her bravery and courage as well as her own personal booth complete with fresh flowers.

*This article is for entertainment purposes only. No Karens were hurt in the making of this article, just a slight dent in the rolled-up newspaper.

Share your Karen Stories in the comment box below!

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