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Thursday, January 5, 2023

POLICE REPORT: BREAKING NEWS! Lanai's Encounter with Karen at Starbucks leads to charges


January 5, 2023- Lanai Jarrico was nearly arrested for disorderly conduct, simple assault, and battery with a rolled-up newspaper outside of Starbucks. 

Karen Smithstofferson, 45 of Honeysuckle Tart Estate filed a complaint while holding an ice pack over her eye and crying hysterically late Thursday afternoon claiming Lanai Jarrico attacked her with what she thought was a steel baseball bat for no reason. Karen also claimed she simply stopped by Starbucks after an exhausting shopping trip at Costco.  She asked for her usual nonfat venti Peppermint mocha Frappuccino Blended beverage, with no vanilla, Caramel Macchiato when Karen accused Lanai of shoving her resulting in a one-sided altercation. While Lanai stood there staring at her like she was an idiot.

Karen Immediately requested to speak to the manager while calling the police on speed dial.  The barista witnessed the entire interaction and immediately asked Karen to leave the premises. As she gathered her drink and headed for the door she turned to Lanai and called her a terrible journalist and held up her middle finger until she got outside. 

According to video footage, Lanai was practicing social distancing as she waited patiently for Karen to finish her rant before stepping up to the counter to order a hot chocolate and a vanilla almond biscotti.

Witnesses say Lanai was approached outside by a seething Karen who was seen pacing back and forth mumbling nonsense.  Lanai stood there for a moment just observing until Karen stepped into her personal space causing Lanai to swing a rolled-up newspaper knocking Karen out cold on the sidewalk.  

Within minutes police arrived on the scene to investigate the situation and interviewed  both women while administering first aid to Karen. 

 It was determined that with the rash of Karenism spreading like wildfire at various Starbucks, Walmarts, Costco, Target, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Walgreens, Taco Bells, Hobby Lobby, and numerous Hair and Nails Salons, it was well deserved. Lanai was let go with a warning while Karen was arrested for unlawful use of 911 for a non-emergency and fined 500L for littering when she spilled her drink on her way down to the pavement. Lanai was given a lifetime supply of Starbucks for her bravery and courage as well as her own personal booth complete with fresh flowers.

*This article is for entertainment purposes only. No Karens were hurt in the making of this article, just a slight dent in the rolled-up newspaper.

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