The Secret Escort that goes above and beyond for her Clients- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

As you all know, Second life is like a never ending Spring Break for many who like to let their hair down and get a little wild and crazy all from the comfort of their favorite gaming chair or worn out couch.  The best part is you get to be a real freak and no one in your real life has to know!

I met up with “Jaylan” who would like to remain anonymous due to her high end escorting career in Second life. She has graced the grid for many years mastering her craft and leaving clients stunned and coming back for more. I was intrigued by her service menu and at first thought it was a joke but turns out she is the real deal that carries herself with grace and absolutely no shame.

Lanai: Hi Jaylan, thank you for meeting with me. I know you have a very tight schedule!

Jaylan:  Hi Lanai, it has been a long time since I’ve seen you. I remember taking a pole dancing lesson with you in my newbie days. Weren’t you the one who got her strappy sandals caught on the pole and it took 4 bouncers to unravel you? You took a hard fall that day, I’m surprised you can even speak or walk.  I always wondered what happened to you.   I’m glad to see all your hard work paid off and you are a reporter now.

Lanai: *blinks*  Remind me to omit the bit about the failed pole dancing endeavor… Don’t judge me! Anyway back to you and your successful career!

Jaylan:  OK, lol. So what would you like to know? I’ll share some valuable secrets but not all!

Lanai: Well, let's begin with how you got started. Maybe it will inspire other struggling escorts in Second life?

Jaylan:  It all began right after taking a pole dancing job at a shabby little hole in the wall which I refuse to name drop for street cred. The owner ended up robbing me for all of my tips by secretly adding an alpha layer over my tip jar. When I confronted him, he canned me and I was struggling to pay my tier. I bumped into an old flame who reminded me just how awesome I was at edging and this certain thing I do that he was unable to find in other girls he dated.  He became my practice partner until his nagging RL wife caught him rubbing one out in the basement and I never saw him again… the rest is history!

Lanai: Well damn, I’m sure that happens a lot. People need to learn how to lock a door and have a knock policy.  So he was your pimp? It's OK, it's totally legal in Second life.

Jaylan:  I guess you can call him that…But just like the culture in SL, we move on fast. Kinda like speed dating on steroids.

Lanai: I agree. So, tell me a little bit about the services you offer. I’m looking at this notecard and it sounds like a joke. Is there really such a thing called the.. *looks closely at the notecard* a… Backwards camel hopscotch, which you charge a whopping 5000L for?

Jaylan:  OMG, that is the best seller right there!  First you have to be very flexible. Not everyone is cut out for it but those that can handle it limp away with a huge smile. I don’t want to describe it because I’m currently working on a patent but, make sure you got lots of lube and a quarter…

Lanai: Yikes, sounds sorta like one of those cheap rides at the county fair…

Jaylan:  I don’t know what kind of fairs you go to but this service definitely gives you your Lindens worth!

Lanai: Ok moving on to The Boogie Man in spandex for 3652L. What can you tell me about that?

Jaylan: Well that one is more of a roleplay/ foreplay service. I personally don’t care for the spandex but you would be amazed how many couples come to me to assist them with it.  It only works with the lights out so a majority of the time, I see nothing, I can just tell they are getting what they paid for by the sounds produced by both parties. 

Lanai: Interesting. It definitely sounds like you're making a killing with these special services! Ok, next on your service menu is Jump slap bootie clap wham bam thank you ma'am for 500L? What’s that about?

Jaylan: Sure am.  This service is exactly what it sounds like. Some people just love abuse. Can’t hate on that. Those requests are usually by men who get dumped and are looking for a quick fix rebound if you know what I mean. 

Lanai: I’m not exactly sure I do but Ok. Next up, Flip flop patty wack give me the bone for a whopping 9005L! 

Jaylan:  OK this one is reserved for my elite clientele. The ones who are most successful in Second life and come from a variety of businesses, mainly sim owners and in the top 5 best brands on the Grid. I take special care to accommodate them during their rare free time. The last client that experienced “the bone” as I like to call it, was so pleased by it that they referred a couple of friends and now they request it regularly! 

Lanai: ahhh, that still doesn't explain anything but I’m sure it will pique some curiosities amongst our readers.

Jaylan: Well, if you refer a friend , just give them the discount code” Bone Lanai” and I will take good care of them. I’m sure you have friends in high places.

Lanai: Absolutely not! Can you give me a more discrete discount code.. Something like GetBoned or something. I don’t think I want my name associated with whatever eyes wide shut campaign you got going on.

Jaylan: lol Ok done. Just remind them to take some extra strength Ibuprofen a half an hour before their service.

Lanai: I don’t even know what to say to that but Ok. We are at the second to last service on this list. What can you tell me about  Bitch slap weasel squeal bareback moooo for 7000L

Jaylan: This service is a tricky one and  it requires 2-3 assistants for a group of 3 or more so the price can vary. I also included a bonus to anyone in the group that doesn’t pass out first within the first 3 minutes. Don’t worry I always have a paramedic on call for any of the services I provide and they sign an NDA.

Lanai: Oh well that sounds pretty ummm…. Safe I guess. Just out of curiosity have you ever been sued?

Jaylan: I can't speak on cases still pending , I’m sorry. But I will say this. Stretching and taking pain killers prior to services is highly recommended.

Lanai: Well at least you take some precautions…. Ok last service on your list… The forrest gump bump bump bam boom for 250L

Jaylan: It’s an additional add on to any of the services. I’m thinking about changing the name since nobody is into Forrest Gump anymore. I was thinking about renaming it the Shocka Deluxe if the name isn’t already patented.

Lanai: Is it fair to say it has something to do with hanging loose?

Jaylan: Exactly, but there is more to it then 2 fingers and a thumb…

Lanai: Well I have to say, this was a very… informative and interesting interview. Thank you for sharing your services and expertise in your unique craft. Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers before we go our separate ways?

Jaylan: Actually I do while I have this very public platform. Whoever keeps sending me bags of D*cks, please stop. I have no control of spouses who use my services behind their significant others backs, nor am I responsible for oops pregnancies in group services and accidental fungal STD’s. That guy in New York has never used our services!

Lanai: OK Then…. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I hope you have a very prosperous year and we can meet up again for updates!

Jaylan: I look forward to it. Thank you Lanai!

—---------------------------------------------------------

Jaylan’s Full service Menu Notecard

Thank you for your interest in this ridiculously sexy body of mine and my services. You are correct, you will not find anything in Second Life that would blow your wig back like I do. You came to the right avie.

I've taken the liberty of providing you with the best rates in Second Life for the following:

 Backwards camel hopscotch.................5000L

 

 The Boogie Man in spandex.....................3652L

 

  Jump slap bootie clap wham bam thank you maam........500L

 

 Flip flop patty wack give me the bone............9005L

 Bitch slap weasel squeal bareback moooo..........7000L

 

 The forrest gump bump bump bam boom....250L

 

*Maximum Strength Ibuprofen is highly recommended before and after services.

 

 

 

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HOLIDAY MASCOT SERIES: Interview with a Female Leprechaun 2024- Lanai Jarrico Reporting

 

Before we get into this extra peculiar interview with this year’s St Patrick’s day mascot, I wanted to remind St Patrick’s Day fans what the holiday is really about since it seems to be associated with drinking….heavily.

  St Patricks Day was first officially observed in 1631 when the church put together a feast day honoring St Patrick; the Patron Saint of Ireland.

 Back story time… Did you know St Patrick was kidnapped from Britain and sold into slavery in Ireland when he was 16 years old.  He escaped six years later and vowed to convert Ireland into Christianity and vanquished all snakes from Ireland not that there were any there to begin with. I think it's a metaphor for banishing evil.

 He wasn’t Irish nor was Patrick his real name. It was derived from the word “Patricus' ' in Latin; meaning nobleman or father figure. His real name was Maewyn Succat and he claimed that he deserved being kidnapped because of his lack of faith in God. He also claimed to hear voices and have visions too. Kinda like Joan of Arc. That’s pretty deep ya’ll.

Besides that, green wasn’t his favorite color either. It was blue. But be careful though…. rumor has it, If you don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, you might get pinched by a Leprechaun! 

Let me not even get started on the history of those holiday mascots...they are shoemakers that have some sort of fetish for gold that they hide at the end of a rainbow. If the gold is found, the little imp will grant three wishes.  Shrugs  I don’t know about you but I think it got a bit too Disney for me.

As far as the shamrock is concerned, there’s no evidence St Patrick was a gardener or ever wore a clover...It's a metaphor, a symbol for the holy trinity with the 3 leaves presenting the Father, the son and the holy spirit.

If we wanna throw it out there and keep it real. This holiday was really derived from Pagans,  there was a lot of that witchery going on back then. March 17th was originally Ostara; the spring equinox, celebrating rebirth and the balance of the universe but it got hijacked by another religion. Now it seems to hold no religious value at all.

I’m no historian or religious freak but I know a little somethin’.  I frankly don’t know what is being celebrated today though. It turned into a universal day of  heavy drinking, pub crawls, lots of green and a hangover the next day.

In Second life, the holiday is about venue hopping,music and dancing while double fisting virtual beverages. Our avatar is not responsible for our real person's consumption habits on this day or any other day for that matter.

 I think I like this version of holiday observation best because I can actually interview a leprechaun and not even feel weird about it.

 With that said…

St. Patrick’s day is right around the corner so off I ventured the grid in search of this year’s  little green dude to snatch up and interrogate errrr…. Interview. I went to my old haunt for holiday mascots and didn’t find any leprechauns at an AA meeting…oddly enough.

 I even tried looking for the end of a rainbow and it led me to an LGBTQIA club. I hung out there a bit with great music and friendly peeps,  then decided to go to the next best place…. The Blarney Stone -Irish Pub.

I was a bit hesitant to go inside at first because of past history that I do not care to discuss. Let’s just say it was so worth the SLE police report at the time lol.

Anyway, while ordering up a nice cold Guiness and scanning the place, I noticed what looked like a giant Leprechaun.  She seemed a bit intoxicated while dancing around and somewhat singing the lyrics to a song like a drunken karaoke superstar.

 I dropped my tab and tip on the bar and walked over to her. The first question I wanted to ask was where she shops when she voluntarily slurred out that she was a Leprechaun lookin for a good time. I found it a bit strange being that she was the height of an average avatar and that she was…. what appeared to be a woman…

Thinking to myself, this holiday cannot get any stranger with its constant evolution but decided I’ll interview her. What do I have to lose, except for readers who aren't into this crazy kinda shit.

INTERVIEW WITH JEZEBEL THE LEPRECHAUN

Lanai: Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I wanted to ask…

Jezebel: Hey beautiful. Come dance with me.

Lanai: Oh thank you for the offer but I wasn’t hitting on you. I just wanted to know where you shop. That is a creative outfit you have on.

Jezebel: Ohh my bad. I’m a Leprechaun.. Well half. My dad is… my mom…she’s an elf. I get my ears from my momma.

Lanai: Who’d you get the height from?

Jezebel: My mother told me to never ask her those types of questions... She was a drunk when I was conceived and barely remembers my dad.

Lanai: Sorry I didn't mean to get all personal.

Jezebel: Not at all. I’ve been trying to get him to take a paternity test but he refused to give up gold in child support.

Lanai: Dang, Sorry to hear all that.  I must say you are the first female leprechaun I’ve met or even heard of.

Jezebel: I get that all the time lol. I wasn’t born this way. With the abundance of acceptance in the SL community, my love of Lady Gaga and excessive amounts of makeup and lashes I am living my true self and loving it. 

Lanai: Well you go girl! Live your best Slife. There is nothing wrong with that!

Jezebel: Thank you! So you're a journalist huh?

Lanai: I’ve been called worse lol. Yes and was out looking for a Leprechaun to interview for St Patrick's day

Jezebel: Well you came to the right place honey. I’ll answer your questions since I’m technically one.

Lanai: *looks at her with a long contemplating stare*

Jezebel: What?

Lanai: This is the first time I'm lost for words. I don’t even know what to ask you.

Jezebel: I understand all that glitters is not gold and all those tacky sayings but you did hit the jackpot lady luck. I’ll be your best interview ever!

Lanai: Ok… So what are your plans for St. Patrick’s Day?

Jezebel: I really didn’t have any plans, I was hoping you could give me some ideas.

Lanai: What’s the point if a leprechaun doesn’t even have plans? I think most avies nowadays just treat it like another day in SL. Others, I suppose visit St. Patty’s Day themed events to take advantage of any contests or sales happening. Other than that, I’m as stumped as you are.

Jezebel: As a leprechaun and unofficial St. Patrick’s Day representative I propose that everyone visit The Blarney Stone Irish Pub. It’s as Irish as it gets in SL. *shrugs* Besides that, name dropping their venue in The SL Enquirer might get me some popularity points with management. I’ve been looking for a job.

Lanai: FFS… Would you happen to know where the Easter Bunny likes to hang out?

Jezebel: Umm. Why am I suddenly feeling used for your next interview project?

Lanai:  Well yeah, thank you for the inspiration. I  wish you luck with your new job if you get it.

Jezebel: Thanks. Sorry gotta run!  my wife just pulled into the driveway, I was supposed to take chicken out of the freezer a couple hours ago to defrost. 

*oops* I’m so embarrassed. I didn’t mean to type that in open chat.

Lanai: *stares in disbelief*

Sometimes you have to admit defeat, even in the writing game. Not all interviews come easy and this one just baffled the hell out of me.

*Cheers* 

 Happy St Patrick's day!

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INTERVIEW WITH CUPID 2024 Lanai Jarrico Reporting…

Last year’s Cupid managed to pull off a flawless Valentine’s Day, connecting couples and helping aid the population growth on the grid. It wasn’t from any *clears throat* threats or anything. However, once his assignment was done I heard “Bob” collected his payout, changed his identity and hopped on a plane to an undisclosed location never to be heard from again. Typical of a dead beat prim baby daddy.

 Once again, I had to find another Valentine’s Day mascot to fill his speedos and wings and made sure this one was a sharp shooter. (so I thought) I went back to the only place known to have a high volume of holiday Mascots in attendance;  An AA Meeting (Avatars Anonymous).

 It didn’t take long to spot the perfect one for the Job. Meet Alejandro, this year’s Cupid…

Lanai: Hi Alejandro, thank you for willingly accepting the position to take on the very important task of Cupid. Not every day can you shoot someone with an arrow and it's totally legal, in fact welcomed by lonely souls seeking Love on Valentine’s Day.

Alejandro: Lanai, thank you for the job offer. I have been searching for one in Second life with no real luck since getting out of rehab. It seems the only jobs available these days, aside from escorting and stripping, are club host and the occasional fluffer for adult machinima. They definitely don’t pay enough for those short films.

Lanai: I wouldn't know… but with a name like Alejandro, you seem to fit the criteria I am looking for to fill the position for Cupid 2024. Can I ask who your hairstylist is cause maaan, you are rockin those waves!

Alejandro: Oh thank you, *flips hair*.  His name is Glitter Fancypants, would you like his number? So… when would you like me to start?

Lanai: Nah, I’m OK thank you. First things first, you need an authentic Cupid Uniform. This year let's add a little spice to the mix. According to my comment box, a lot of avatars are looking more for flings rather than long term commitments. Swinging and swapping seem to be the new craze so what I would like you to do is recruit associates to assist you in matchmaking. Kinda like a Love Coaching Squad!

Alejandro:  Interesting… I guess I can recruit some of my ex-fluffer co-workers to assist, They have been looking for supplemental income. We’ve all been squatting together in an abandoned free linden home and it’s getting kinda tight.

Lanai: I’m all for helping avies climb out of SL poverty if they are able to maintain a job.  I have only one concern about your roommates. They are not allowed to use arrows on themselves. Word on the street is some fluffers have addiction problems and I’m not going to supply and contribute to it. You included.

Alejandro: I understand.. Never get high on your own supply. The greatest rapper ever; Big Poppa coined that phrase in 10 Crack commandments.

Lanai: I love Big Poppa. He certainly was a lyrical genius. Rest his soul.

Alejandro: Yea so, once I gather my crew, What would you like us to do first?

Lanai: Take showers and maybe make an appointment with Glitter and I will supply the uniforms. *hands him some money to pay his utility bills to ensure he has hot water*

Alejandro: You are too kind Ms Jarrico. We will not disappoint!

Lanai: Come see me in a week for your uniform fittings and from there I will interview your squad and possibly assign you all different regions to help the lonely souls of SL find Love.

Alejandro: See you soon you earth angel!

Lanai: I’ve been called many things, but that’s a first!  *smirks as she watches him prance off filled with joy*

ONE WEEK LATER

Alejandro: Lanai! I’d like to introduce you to the new Cupid Crew!  ChizelChest, CherryPie, ChocolateStar and Steve!

Lanai: Quite the batch of superhero rejects you brought back to me. Excuse me my filter doesn’t seem to be working….What is this? *sighs*, we have A LOT of work to do… Please follow me….

*hears whispers from the crew as they follow along*

Lanai: OK, as you all know you were….hand picked *rolls eyes* by Cupid *stares him down all disappointed*.... To assist with spreading Love across the grid and bringing avies together. Let me start by asking each of you what you feel you are bringing to the table for Valentine’s day?

Chisel Chest: *hesitates for a moment* Ms Jarrico, I just have to say I’m a big fan! I have followed your articles for years and I have to say… you are just the most amazing, talented beauty I have ever seen. What I’d like to bring to the table are these amazing pecs. *bounces them as a demonstration*

Lanai: Good lord. *turns her attention to CherryPie*

CherryPie:  Hi Ms Jarrico, unlike ChiselChest over here trying to impress you with that unique ability, let me show you what I can do. *gets down on the ground and twists her body into a pretzel. *struggles to speak* Being flexible is a major turn on and I’m here to teach the ladies how to attract a man *gasps for air*

Lanai: Ummm. Are you ok? Alejandro, can you please help her up?

Alejandro: *struggles to untwist her*

Lanai: for crying out loud you two look like you are playing geriatric twister… just… twist her arm back and move her leg the other way…. Omg you know what…. * SMH* What a disaster this is going to be….*looks at Steve* Please tell me you aren’t in the circus…

Steve: No mame.

Lanai: mame?

Steve: *clears throat* Ms Jarrico.

Lanai: *smiles and nods* So Steve, what is it YOU are bringing to the table?

Steve: I’m sure you are going to do  background checks, so I just wanted to put it out there so there are no surprises….. I was arrested at the Crack Den in 05’ for attempting to solicit a static prostitute. When she didn’t respond to my advances we got into a fistfight with me getting arrested for damaging an unmanned Alt and causing the failing venue to deteriorate even more. Since then, I’ve learned my lesson and I’m now visiting spiritual sims to redeem myself.

Lanai: I knew there was a reason you have a mustache like that!  Is there not one normal person in this room? Steve, I just don’t even have the words to respond to that and I’ve heard a whole lot of crazy ass stories throughout my SLife. Beating up a mannequin has got to be the lowest of the low on the totem pole of stupidity. What exactly are you bringing to the table?

Steve: *runs off crying*

Lanai: *looks at Chocolate Star*

ChocolateStar: * Twirls her hair while chewing gum and snapping selfies*

Lanai: ANYWAY….What a p****y… Alejandro, I’m so disappointed. Are you trying to sabotage Valentine’s Day or is this really the best you can do? You know what? You are all fired! I’m taking on the role of Cupid myself.

Alejandro: But Ms Jarrico….. In the history of Valentine’s Day… There has never been a female Cupid. Are you sure you want to do this?

Lanai: If you don’t get your ass out of here right now… I’m calling Josh.

 Alejandro: Say no more… *gets out in a hurry and take his clown crew with him*

Sorry SLE fans, I tried. I’m not sure I can bring anything to the table as a female Cupid. However, the best I can do is tell you all to find that perfect Valentine on your own and do with them what you want. Keep 'em, love em,  pop out some mesh babies, have a one night stand,  a throuple or do whatever it is you want to do on Valentine’s Day. Just don't go looking for love at an AA meeting.  Be happy, smile and enjoy the day. If you don’t hear the words “I love you….” Then the people around you are missing out on the amazing person you are. Love yourself and cherish it.

Happy Valentine’s day.

Lanai

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SL Police Report: BREAKING NEWS! Santa Got Sleigh Jacked!- The SL Enquirer reporting...

 

At approximately 6:52 pm SLT on December 11th, witnesses reported Santa got knocked out cold with a pile of gifts launched by an assailant who looked strikingly similar to Lanai Jarrico. 

One witness saw a woman dressed in a full length faux fur coat, hurling profanities and saying something about the worst Tinder date ever before proceeding to launch gifts at Santa.  Another witness was scared to identify the attacker for fear of retaliation, citing, “snitches get stitches”

Cameras captured the moment the attacker leaped into Santa’s Sleigh and took off. Calls to Lanai Jarrico’s rep were immediately answered and her alibi was established. She was writing an article at the time of the attack and waiting for her Instacart order so it would not have been possible. Her rep went on to say Ms. Jarrico has a doppelganger that goes around Second Life impersonating her for tips and frequents strip clubs as a guest dancer.

 Lanai is embarrassed and offended for being accused of attacking Santa Clause and feels it will ruin her reputation. As far as accusations of stripping, she said, “It wasn’t me but if it was, stripping is a serious sport that shouldn’t be frowned upon.”. She wants to press charges for slander immediately following the arrest of the perpetrator.

One reporter managed to get a quick comment from Santa before he passed out and was rushed to the nearest Veterinary clinic by Rudolph for observation.

 Santa mumbled what the reporter made out to be “Ho Ho Ho” but after reviewing his Instagram live recording, it turned out that he really cried out “That Hoe Ow Ow”.

Santa was treated and released for a concussion, bruises and several lumps a few hours later into the custody of his estranged wife, Mrs. Clause.

If anyone has any information regarding this atrocity, share in the comment box below

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