It has been a couple of years since I last spoke to Cupid. I heard through the grapevine that he was arrested for lacing his arrows with a bad batch of Amortentia; the most powerful love potion in the world. Its effects cause month-long erections, hirsutism, and a significant increase in the prim population in Second Life. The downside to that is an epidemic of single mothers raising prim babies with facial and chest hair. After researching the decline of weddings and engagements on the grid I decided to take action and set up a booth at local SL Job Fairs in search of this year’s Cupid. Out of 4,321 applicants I was able to narrow it down to three who barely qualified for the position. One failed the arrow shooting test at the range due to his lingering vertigo and the other failed his background check due to a stalking and harassment charge at a local drag joint. The remaining candidate was the best I can do so he was hired without a drug test because I felt he might fail.
I met up with him at an NA meeting where I sometimes volunteer as a sponsor to discuss the position and learn more about him and his skills in the love department.
Interview with Cupid 2023
Lanai: Hi Bob, or should I address you as Cupid contingent upon the outcome of this job interview? Thank you for meeting with me for this very important job.
Cupid 2023: Hi Lanai, I have heard so much about you. I doubt it's true about you being the Godmother to an SL Mafia family, the biggest heartbreaker in Second Life, or that you once sucked a watermelon through a straw. I’m so glad you can meet me here. The house arrest ankle bracelet I’m wearing should be removed just in time for Valentine’s Day!
Lanai: Let me guess... You’ve been watching Fox News…. They have been trying to take me down for years. Fake news. Keep my family out of this… I’m totally offended being called a heartbreaker and the watermelon incident was a pink cocktail with Vodka in it. I was at a baby shower for crying out loud!… Anyway. I’m meeting you here today for your official interview for the position of Cupid so let's get down to business. Can you define love?
Cupid 2023: Well… it can vary in meaning. For some, love means being taken care of emotionally, financially, and of course in the bedroom, and for others it is a common adoration between two people that goes deep down into the soul. Money and materials don’t matter. The latter seems to be the stereotypical gold digger, sugar baby type.
Lanai: Well said. How do you feel about the current climate in Second Life when it comes to romance, relationships, and things to do?
Cupid 2023: It has been a long time since I’ve been on a real date and I know Onlyfk, Feeld, and Tinder dating apps don't really count. Unless you are looking for a quick fix and a free meal, I may need some training…
Lanai: Yes, I agree. Let me give you a crash course on Romance and love and what women really want. She wants to be heard and not just listened to like a song on the radio. It’s the lyrics that count not the beat. She also wants to feel protected. There is a fine line between protection and controlling someone. To protect someone is to care about their whole well-being and do what you can to make that person feels safe and secure. Controlling is a way to manipulate someone into believing you need them when in fact most women are very capable of handling their own business without a man. The beautiful thing about romance and love is that both have a connection that feels out of this world and the respect and responsibilities of keeping each other happy, safe and secure are placed in both their hands. Once respect is lost, trust becomes an issue that will ultimately dissolve that true feeling of love. Not even flowers and candy can bring back the romance. Soul mates are a thing; when you find “the one”, it's an unconditional love that will last for eternity. Every flaw or difference is accepted and there are no unachievable expectations. That is the purest form of love. As far as romantic destinations, they can be anywhere that prohibits child avies and animals in my opinion.
Cupid 2023: I’m in awe at just how brilliant you are. So, why are you single?
Lanai: Hey! I’m interviewing you. But to answer that. No one really knows my personal Slife aside from a handful of close friends. Let’s just say my current situation is complicated. My psychotherapist insists I have Philophobia. So anyway, are you a good shot?
Cupid 2023: That’s fair. I won't meddle. As in shot….do you mean money shots or….
Lanai: No You buffoon! I meant with a bow and arrow…
Cupid 2023: Oh right. I once shot a bow at a Kids' Archery camp. It didn't end well and I was sent home. I feel justified in saying the bully had it coming and now he walks with a gangster lean.
Lanai: You do know this is a job interview right? I’ll pretend I didn't hear that. *slides an envelope over to him* In that envelope is a printout with a scan code to redeem six archery lessons on me. It was a great deal on Groupon. Don’t disappoint me.
Cupid 2023: You are very generous. I appreciate this opportunity and promise to spread the love and romance in Second Life for Valentine’s Day!
Lanai: *leans in and whispers* Make sure that you do, I’ve hired a backup if things don’t work out and he doesn't shoot arrows…
Cupid 2023: *looks at the hitman standing behind Lanai* *gulps* When do I start?
Lanai: February 14th *slides him a briefcase* Here is your assignment... *gets up, and walks away*
Sorry folks, this is the best Cupid I could find for the job.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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