BREAKING NEWS! Lanai Jarrico Taken Down by Christmas Tree

 

12/23/2020- SLE Police Report

In a tragic turn of events at The SL Enquirer Media Center on December 23rd the beloved by some and hated by others, CEO of The SL Enquirer, Lanai Jarrico was unexpectedly laid out cold by an overly decorated Christmas Tree.  It happened early Tuesday morning as Jarrico attempted to hang one last ornament. Only time will tell how much damage was done to the tree.

According to witnesses near the scene, Miss Jarrico had a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. She appeared to be drunk while singing "Deck the Halls with Santa's Baaaaaa**s".  When the tree came crashing down.

Sources at SL General Hospital say, pine needle removal is underway and Lanai is expected to make a full recovery. No further comments were issued about her blood alcohol levels and drug test. However, one insider commented about a strong smell of marijuana as paramedics rushed her into the ER.

The Second Life Community can take a sigh of relief that Jarrico will survive this horrendous incident.

If you have an additional information about this incident , please use the comments below!

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Interview with a Leprechaun- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

Every year I like to track and find holiday mascots in Second Life and interview them. Of them all the leprechaun seems to be the most elusive. After turning over every mesh rock and braving the thick forest of the SL countryside I finally found one!  Leroy the Leprechaun was a strange character and obvious drunk or on some type of shamrock crack. We sat down for a talk until things got weird.

Interview with Leroy the Leprechaun

Lanai: Gotcha you little rascal!

Leroy: Let me go you oversized child!

Lanai: Now Now Leroy, there is no need to be rude. Relax, I just want to talk to you. I will let you go under one condition. You sit and talk to me without vanishing and I’ll waive the pot of gold owed to me for catching you.

Leroy: Fair enough cail’in. *straightens is little green suit* OMG! What are you doing?

Lanai: If there is one thing I’ve learned about Leprechauns it is they are not to be trusted on words alone so you will remain handcuffed to me until we are done.

Leroy: I didn’t know you were that type of girl! *smirks*

Lanai: Anyway,  there is a lot you don’t know about me. Would you like to find out? *hold up a stick*

Leroy: Ohhh into BDSM? Nooo that’s OK m’Lady! So what is it you’d like to talk about?

Lanai: Well, this was a harsh winter and I feel like the grid is recovering from it. I think the residents need some inspiration and new found enthusiasm. The grid seems kind of uneventful lately so I was wondering what you think should be done about St. Patrick’s Day.

Leroy: Well first of all pretty lady, these cuffs are too tight and second, that is not my problem I’m just a Leprechaun minding my own business and trying to keep from being captured. Blame the morale of the grid on Santa, I heard he gave out a record breaking amount of coal this past Christmas.

Lanai: I know, I’m still trying to figure out how to remove the gigantic pile of coal he left in my yard. I’ll be sure to write him a long letter about that. But seriously from your perspective how can we get the grid into St. Patrick’s Day?

Leroy: well from my ground level perspective. Some people need a swift kick in the pants and ejected off the grid. They don’t bring any luck to this holiday. They bring misery and mess. There are just too many arrogant people here these days and a bunch of lazy ones who seem to want something for nothing or stick to the old routine of things and aren’t innovative. I mean look at me? With the new mesh avatars on the market, I still look like a pasty noob because people with red beards of shorter stature are being left out. What about leprechauns?!? *sighs* Nobody gives a shouting shamrock about us.

Lanai: Yea… you do need a serious makeover but is that your only gripe?

Leroy: Of course not.  What is up with all the venue owners who don’t even know how to run a business? Half of them don’t even have up St. Patty’s Day decorations. What are they a bunch of Anti St. Patrick’s Day Bah Humbugs?  I think they are a waste of space on the grid and only add to the clutter.

Lanai: You seem pretty upset about that but you have a point. What do you think should be done?

Leroy: It would be nice to see everyone in green on St. Patrick’s Day. I think it is the only way to gauge how big this holiday is in Second Life. I also think it would be nice if Linden Labs actually interacted more with the grid and hosted official holiday events where everyone is invited. Not just their annual Birthday. Honestly I think it is lame. Poor residents wanting to be involved in SL’s birthday seem to be the only ones really putting in the effort to even make that possible. Official LL Parties will give residents a chance to meet new people and socialize on a grander scale in the community. It can also rid the grid of all the lame uninhabited venues too.  I mean who wouldn’t want to go to a Linden hosted St. Patrick’s Day event? I would be there.

Lanai:  Interesting idea. But there is no time to get that organized now.

Leroy: I may be small but my brain isn’t the size of a sunflower seed. The Lindens really need to implement incentives for this community or else boredom will set in and continue to hinder the growth of the population. I was recently at the bar with Cupid and he said the same thing. Where’s the love?

Lanai: *nods* With all the talk about the new Second Life grid many people are on the fence about applying new ideas. Some are even afraid of a total SL collapse due to people leaving this grid for the new one. But enough about that though.  So, Leroy what will you be doing on St. Patrick’s Day and speaking of cupid how is he doing? That guy never called me back.

Leroy: In regards to Cupid, he’s a player and he obviously got what he wanted from you. About St. Patrick’s day, I haven’t the slightest clue. The only thing I know is once I’m out of these cuffs, I’ll be off staying out of sight and trying to figure out why that stupid  dress went viral recently. Who gives a green glittered terd if it was white and gold or black and blue….It should have been green…

Lanai: *&$%! You Leroy nothing happened between Cupid and I. If anything he drank too much love potion on Valentine’s Day and ended up crying on my shoulder the whole time about erectile dysfunction and a crooked arrow. Anyway, of all the news, why would that dress be your biggest concern?

Leroy: Why would it go viral? I’d rather watch videos of screaming jackasses on loop for all eternity.

Lanai: Sounds serious.  I guess you have a point. People are just bored even off the grid. With that said. I hope everyone in Second Life has a great St. Patrick’s Day anyway. I know I will.

Leroy:  Hey, if you aren’t doing anything special that day. Look me up and you might get lucky!

Lanai: I will consider myself lucky if I don’t ever see you again! Get lost before I claim my pot of gold and beat you with this stick.

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Interview with Santa- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

Every year I try to get an interview with Jolly ol’ St Nick but he has avoided me for the past two years. After hanging outside his cottage interrogating elves for hours with a homemade fruitcake in hand and apologizing out loud for what I had done, finally Santa let me in and forgave me for infiltrating his naughty list and disturbing the peace. He agreed to an interview under two simple condition… that I stop harassing him and I behave myself.

Lanai: Santa, again I’m sooo sorry for breaking into the North Pole compound and removing all my friends from your naughty list, including myself. I thought I was doing a good deed at the time. Also, I felt it was unfair to put me on the list again.

Santa:Lanai, ever since you were a child I’ve watched you prank people for cheap laughs and do crazy things that would have gotten you paddled well into your 20’s but I’ve always seen a glimmer of hope in you, usually when you were sleeping. But! Nonetheless, I appreciate the apology but you have to stop being a pain in the ass. After all, It’s Christmas time and everyone deserve a little something special for the holidays.Consider this your Christmas present.

Lanai: Oh ok thank you... I am very grateful for this opportunity. Here is a special gift I made just for you. Enjoy.

Santa: Oh A fruitcake! How umm sweet...

Lanai: *smiles like an angel* So Santa… every year has its trends for the holidays. What type of gifts will you be giving the good people of Second Life around the world?

Santa: Well, this year is a bit odd I must say. *takes a bite of his fruitcake*  Mmmm this is actually pretty good!

Lanai: Thank you Santa. Believe me it gets better the more you eat. So why is this year odd?

Santa: Well it is election year so some of my requests were not actually gift requests for themselves. I keep getting asked to run for President. Something about I have better hair and I love everyone equally. I have a feeling there is a great deal of people worried about one of the candidates. But not to worry sweet child, if it is the one I am thinking, he’s at the top of my naughty list this year. Instead of giving  out lumps of coal, I thought I would save the environment and collect deer berries this year to give as gifts to the naughty ones..

Lanai:Great idea. I still remember the steaming pile you left under my tree the one year....Anyway, glad to see you are going organic again this year. I think I have an idea who that candidate might be and I couldn’t agree more. But I’m not going to get into politics.

Santa: HO HO HO! that was funny and yea good idea.

Lanai: o.O. Aside from that request, what others things are people asking for this year?

Santa: I’ve gotten some request for hover boards but due to the recent recalls for fire hazards, I’ve decided to make skateboards instead. Others just want money or Doomsday shelters fully loaded, but I can’t afford that.

My protection insurance is high enough these days, along with my electric bill. With the implementation of air conditioner units in the reindeer stables and new snow-making machines around the North Pole, I am limited. This global warming thing is getting out of control!

Lanai: Absolutely! I live in Pa and we have had 60 degree weather around here for the past week. It feels strange hanging Christmas lights outside in a t shirt and breaking into a sweat. I am sure people around the world are witnessing strange weather as well. Do you have any advice on what we should do about this global crisis?

Santa: Well Lanai, I think we would all have to go back into the stone age or something. To lower emissions and clean up our environment, we all need to be more organic for our own health and more responsible about what we contribute to this environment crisis. For example, grow our own crops, use outhouses, bicycles, solar power and stop burning fossil fuel. Also, FFS!  Stop all the harmful toxins that go into the air and the garbage that ends up in our oceans. It’s easy for us all to talk about but can we really all come together to save the planet? 

*offers Lanai some fruitcake*

Lanai: *thinks* Ok this is getting depressing…. *reaches for some fruitcake*

Santa: I have to say this fruitcake is making me feel kind of funny… What did you put in this?

Lanai: Not to worry Santa, some of the ingredients are homegrown and legal in most states now.  Anyways, I think it is great that you are thinking about our future and giving gifts that can help the environment.

Santa: Yes indeed but I have a confession to make.

Lanai: Oh? Do tell.

Santa: I’m not really Santa Claus. I am a M*****F******-ing Wizard!

Lanai: WTH?

Santa:WOW! Can’t you see all the psychedelic colors floating around? And my skin.. it feels so…. sensitive! *starts to removes his red suit*

Lanai: Noooooooo, I can never unsee this!

Santa: Watch this!

Lanai: OMG... 

*Trying to avoid looking at his twig and holly berries, Lanai watches in horror as Santa stands on his chair and pretends to surf naked*

Santa: I have an idea! Let’s get on the roof and attempt to fly like a drone super reindeer!

Lanai: A wise friend once said, "This can only end well". Ya know Santa…. I think I should get going and please don’t mention I was here or where you got that fruitcake ok?

Santa: Wait! I need a co pilot to help me drop reindeer berries!

Lanai: There goes Christmas!  I’m outta here….

Merry Christmas SLE Fans!

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STOP THE PRESS! – A SNEAK LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE SL ENQUIRER- Mackenzie Abbot reporting

To the casual reader, the SL Enquirer is a great Second Life news source.  To others, it’s just a tarted-up blog with pretensions of being a newspaper.  However you see the SLE, you keep coming back again and again.  It’s friendly and familiar, with a great mix of news, views and interesting articles written by a team with a wide range of interests.  But behind the scenes, gentle reader, lies a different world.  A world of debauchery, greed for power and control.

To begin with, the initiation ceremony is humiliation enough.  But when you are in dire need of a handful of lindens to feed your starving family, you’ll let anyone do anything to you with a rubber chicken, a Walmart gift-card and small statue of Oprah Winfrey.  Survive that and you become embroiled in the seedier side of the SL Enquirer.  For a start, you are not allowed to address the CEO, Lanai Jarrico, as anything but “Miss Jarrico”.  The punishment for calling her anything else will earn you a donkey punch to the back of the head while still being receptive of a dog toy.  And you must never NEVER look her directly in the eyes unless given permission.

A recent image of an SLE journalist ,who missed out a comma in a sentence, trying to pacify Miss Jarrico.

The hours are long and laborious; often lasting a few days until Miss Jarrico is totally satisfied that you are worth of a reprieve from duty.  These reprieves can last from 1 to 7 seconds, depending on her mood, and may or may not include comfort breaks and/or food.  Call into the press room anytime of the day or night and you will see dozens of avatars, broken and battered by toil, endless research and spellchecking.  Many, just shells of their former selves, starting to take notice of their other male captives and doing their level best to hide broners, all why trying to avoid the wrath of their wicked, masochistic editor-in-chief.  Meetings can last for weeks with little or nothing being said.  The last meeting this reporter went to consisted entirely of singing nursery rhymes backwards, and mass mutual shame fest; interspersed with occasional cries of “Fo’ Shizzle Ma Nizzle!” (shouted as loud as possible to Miss Jarrico’s question, “Do you pathetic waste of prims love working for me?!?”) .

The women in the press pack don’t get away lightly either.  I observed one reporter being throttled with her own thong for writing an article that didn’t give praise to the SL Enquirer and dared to express her own views.  The party line (or should that be the Panty Line) should be followed at all times or woe betide your soul.

Three female staffers anger the CEO by not praising The SL Enquirer and are dealt with in line with the SLE Handbook.

One female presspacker, who we will call Jill, spoke to me discreetly from under a table.

“I turned up here all eager and peachy-keen on writing about my passion for fashion…and shoes….and purses….I was bouncing!  I longed to be a journalist and share my adoration for mesh with the world.

And then I signed the contract…

…I was still aglow at finally being a reporter and that’s when the mood changed.  She suddenly had a fire in her eyes and her voice changed.  She took off her glasses and began chanting.  Two of her goons appeared from nowhere and held me in my seat.  When she had finished chanting and her head had spun round to the right position, she stood up, disrobed and……and….”

She broke down quietly but regained her composure a few seconds later.

“Let’s just say there was a forest on the outskirts of the Amityville House Of Horror”

Jill turned a vicious shade of lime green at this point and scuttled away.  I never saw her again.  I’ve since heard rumours that she managed to escape and went into hiding on a sim close to the Blake Sea.  I do hope she’s ok…

Staff Action Figures on SLE Now!

Dear reader, please take it from someone who has seen and experienced the horrors at first hand; the SL Enquirer is not what it seems!  Yes it’s a great read and seems like fun to work for from the outside.  But brutality and fear reign supreme in the world of Miss Jarrico.  Please, spread the word, send help.  We implore you.

I must close now as I hear the sound of 12 inch spiked heels approaching.  Please, save us!  I must now return to pixel-counting, if I’m caught writing this, I will be subject to pain beyond human imagination….

…Keeping Up With The Kardashians…

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Interview with The Easter Bunny 2015

It is always interesting interviewing holiday mascots in Second Life. Some are reluctant to be interviewed by The SL Enquirer while others take their chances and hope for the best. As ridiculous as these interviews can get I usually have fun with them. This year I caught up with the Easter Bunny but it took a weird turn. Some mascots seriously need to be screened for strange addictions and drug abuse.

Lanai: Hi. I was told I could find the Easter Bunny here. Can you tell me where he is?

Easter Bunny:  Hey there sexy! You are looking at him.

Lanai: Ohhhh. You aren’t the kind of bunny I was expecting to find. What happened to last year’s Easter mascot? I don’t remember him having a British accent and dressed like a Playgirl playmate.

Easter Bunny: Pickings were slim this year for the position so here I am.  As unfortunate as it sounds that bloody fur ball got fired and thrown in the clinker for selling synthetic Easter grass to avatars. He was busted by an undercover Linden.

Lanai: Oh My! That’s terrible news. And you are the replacement?

Easter Bunny: Yes I am and tell me about it.  Of all the wonderful things he could have been doing like orchestrating grand Easter egg hunts and filling baskets with tasty treats, he decided to make the holiday mascot community look bad with his utterly atrocious and repulsive behavior!

Lanai: I can see how this has personally affected you but don’t you think you should be looking a bit more traditional and kid friendly?  What made you apply for the position?

Easter Bunny: That is a brilliant question Ms. Jarrico. Maybe my uniform is a bit edgy and erotic but I can get the job done. I was given this position through a temp agency. It has been hard for me to find a real job since rehab. I was originally looking for something with more dignity and self respect.  But I had no other choice. It was either this, a stripper, escort or Furry park ranger. Those jobs would have been counterproductive in my recovery.

Lanai: What is this virtual world coming to? Rehab??? I don’t mean to be all judgy but don’t they screen holiday mascot applicants and have a dress code?

Easter Bunny: Apparently not.  I can see my looks being a distraction. You keep staring at my carrot.  Rest assured I’m a changed man. My days hooked on sex are over.

Lanai: Oh sorry but that carrot of yours is hard to miss.  I have to say, this interview is getting more awkward by the minute. So you were in rehab for sex addiction?

Easter Bunny: Admitting that I had a problem was the first step. Yes, I was at it like a raging hormonal rabbit. It got to the point where I was facing kidney failure from severe dehydration.

Lanai: Uhhh.

Easter Bunny:  What?

Lanai: nothing. So, what do you have planned for Easter Festivities this year?

Easter Bunny: Well, rather than hosting Easter egg hunts, I was thinking it would be fun to play hide the carrot.

Lanai: How does that relate to this holiday though?

Easter Bunny: Well… You know everyone likes a good hunt right? I have a nice big carrot here…

Lanai: OK stop! This is getting a bit uncomfortable. Don’t you think hiding your carrot sounds like a sexual reference? I’m not sure it is a good idea.

Easter Bunny: How do you know that? Let’s do a test run and see how you like it.

Lanai: I don’t think so. It seems to me you are relapsing.

Easter Bunny: I’ve been sex free for nearly an hour. That is a new record for me.

Lanai: Unbelievable.  Do you have a sponsor helping you?

Easter Bunny: Yes, it is funny that you asked. Cupid is my sponsor.

Lanai: Cupid? Really!?! Wow of all the sponsors they could have set you up with, Cupid was the most ideal choice?

Easter Bunny: Yes , due to his erectile dysfunction, they figured he would be able to keep me from relapsing and giving in to my sexual urges.

Lanai: Where is he now?

Easter Bunny: at the bar.

Lanai: Is this some kind of sick joke? You holiday mascots are all screwed up. Why do I suddenly feel like this is a Dr. Phil combined with Jerry Springer episode? I was hoping to interview you about Easter but this has turned into some kind of weird confession and intervention.

Easter Bunny: I know this interview has you feeling a bit confused and uncomfortable. Let me relieve your stress. How about we go back to my place and talk over dinner and wine.

Lanai: You have got to be kidding me! I’m out of here.

 HAPPY EASTER SLE FANS

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Interview with Cupid 2015- Bringing Love Back to Second Life

In Second Life anything is possible including bumping into holiday mascots running amuck amidst the residents. Every year the SL Enquirer sets out in search of these elusive creatures for an interview and something weird always happens. One thing is for certain, these mascots have a sense of humor only the most twisted of minds could love and none other than Lanai Jarrico is right on the forefront to capture the insanity.

Interview with Cupid 2015

Lanai: Hi Cupid! We meet once again to discuss your upcoming big day. What have you been up to in preparation?

Cupid: Oh it’s the one and only Missss Lanai Jarrico! I was just thinking of you. To what do I owe this honor?

Lanai: Aww Cupid you are a sweetheart, thank you for meeting with me. You know I look forward to this every year. So what’s new? Got anything special planned for Valentine’s Day?

Cupid: Of Course! I just got my arrows sharpened and I’m going to put a new spin on Valentine’s Day.  Every year I notice the volume of bad breakups and drama increase. I thought about what I could do to help these tragic unhappy endings become fairy tales with happy endings.

Lanai: OK…. So what is the solution?

Cupid: I’ve added a special ingredient to my arrow elixir. Spiking drinks at local clubs and bars wasn’t really doing the long-term job.

Lanai: So what might this special ingredient be?

Cupid: It is a combination of bon sens, tension sexuelle, autenticidad and imprudence essence from the tree of knowledge. 

Lanai: so you are saying common sense, sexual tension, authenticity and imprudence are the key to a successful relationship in Second Life?

Cupid: Well yes, think about it. Everyone needs common sense and authenticity would be nice. There are many in Second life who lack these qualities, have split personalities and seem to blur the lines between what is real and what is fantasy. If you ask me, personally I think they need a bitch slap instead of an arrow.  Sexual tension is needed to keep the flame burning and imprudence is needed to kind of balance out the cheating trait. We all know one of the main causes of breakups is virtual infidelity. It stems from time zone differences, boredom and all of the cheap and easy girls and guys that swagger around the grid in search of quick shameless romps.

Lanai: You got a point there Cupid. So, how do you plan on administering this elixir to the majority of the population in Second Life. It seems everyone is in some sort of drama or hooking up these days.

Cupid: I have come up with a master plan that includes your help.

Lanai: My help? Are you sure this is a good idea?

Cupid: Absolutely! When it comes to making connections, you are the one that comes to mind. Not only are you one of the most beautiful avatars on the grid, you conduct yourself with great poise and dignity.

Lanai: Ok cut the shit Cupid. What do you need me to do?

Cupid: I want you to drink the elixir and kiss everyone in Second Life.

Lanai: What!?! I will do no such thing!

Cupid: OK the alternative is I need you to spit in this cup.

Lanai: uhhh

Cupid: The elixir isn’t complete without the final ingredient.

Lanai: Don’t you think that’s kinda gross? Why would my spit play an important role in your master plan?

Cupid: You don’t get it do you? You have a magical ability to connect people.  With your essence in this elixir, the Valentine spell will be powerful.

Lanai: OMG this is so unladylike…. *conjures up the most obscene amount of flem and spits it in Cupid’s wine glass* Sorry. SL is a large community and since I have a noble intention in mind to help the SL community at large I mustered as much as I could.

Cupid: Dang Lanai, I asked for spit not a whole lung! Anyway. Now let me test it on this bunny.

Lanai: Wait! I want no part in animal testing. The Easter Bunny is going to be pissed! It is also cruel and unusual treatment.  Easter is around the corner and we do not want Second Life over-run by half breed Viagra rabbit D/s vampires.

Cupid: Oh please. Half breeds have been part of this virtual world community for quite some time. Why do you think family role play has become so popular? Everyone is starting to look for a new identity a midst the chaos. It is time we take our community back and make it civilized.

Lanai: Let me remind you that you walk around wearing a fig leaf and wings. Perhaps you should have added real life to the Valentine concoction….

Cupic: mmmmmmm Lanai you are too cute. I have another idea.... before you go I want to ask you something.

Lanai: What the.........OHHHH For F**Ks sake, you drank some of that concoction didn’t you?!?........

Happy Valentine’s Day SL Fans! xoxoxo

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