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16 Years and counting...Got SL News? Get it Published! Contact Lanai Jarrico at lanaijarrico@gmail.com
Showing posts with label twisted humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twisted humor. Show all posts

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Interview with The Easter Bunny -Lanai Jarrico Reporting…


Spring is finally here as the weather starts to warm up and colorful flowers are blooming.  It is the season for renewal and celebrating Easter and spring break!  In Second Life residents are preparing for the change in seasons by picking up the snow and rezzing, fresh grass, flowers and greenery.  To celebrate spring, many shops are having sales, venues are doing hunts and more people are hanging out and hooking up.  Spring seems to have that effect.

During Easter break, SLE set out in search for the Easter Bunny to find out what his plans are.  He’s not an easy mascot to catch up with but a few tricks up the CEO’s sleeve helped lure him in for an interview. She just didn’t plan on such a dramatic display.



Lanai: Hey You! I have been trying to track you down for days now. Sorry about the intrusion but I figure this place would attract you. Got some time to talk?

The Easter Bunny: If it isn’t Ms. Jarrico…. WTF! *tries to cover up his carrot* I thought this was a private spa!

Lanai:  Language! Before you get upset, let me explain… I have been all over the grid asking for you and no one seems to know where you’ve been.  A Leprechaun named Larry, who was on his way to the Bahamas for Spring break, told me you were into facials, massages and happy endings, whatever that means…. so I figured if I visit some spas I might find you and sure enough you were here!

The Easter Bunny: So this was a trap? Was that all he said to you? *suspicious tone*

Lanai: Pretty much.  However, he did tell me you weren’t a very good tipper after private sessions. *looks at him suspicious*


The Easter Bunny: Oh never mind him… He’s loaded with his pot of gold so he shouldn’t complain about that.

Lanai: If you say so. Now you have me curious. What exactly is a happy ending? That leprechaun seemed a bit jilted when he mentioned it.

The Easter Bunny:  Well… Um. Wait a minute… Is this some kind of interrogation? I’ll just say happy endings are legal on most adult sims in SL so I’m in no violation nor obligated to share that information with you!

Lanai: Geez! Calm down, you act like I just caught you in some kind of controversy!

The Easter Bunny: All I wanted was to relax… Now if you don’t mind…scram.

Lanai: Hey now relax and pull the carrot out you’re a$$.  I just wanted to ask what your plans were for Easter break and surprise you with your friend.



Larry the Leprechaun: Hey handsome. Remember me?

The Easter Bunny: You have got to be kidding me!!! What’s HE doing here? Ya know, if this wasn’t a “free” spa I’d want my money back!

Larry the Leprechaun: Don’t act surprised to see me after all we have been through.

The Easter Bunny: Lanai! You set me up! I am writing a letter to Santa and you are going to be sorry for this!


Lanai:  Wait what? Larry, told me you would be delighted to see him…

The Easter Bunny:  Like hell I am! Get him out of here. I have reason to believe he gave me a “Chicago Sunroof” and ruined all the Easter baskets I had worked so hard on. I couldn’t make any deliveries for Easter. Larry ruined it for everyone!


Lanai: a what?
Larry the Leprechaun: *innocent grin*

The Easter Bunny: look it up on urbandictionary.com



Lanai: *looks it up* OH FFS! That’s disgusting!

Larry the Leprechaun: I’m sorry, I was mad. You are lucky you didn’t get an “Alabama Hayride” I’m tired of you keeping us a secret. I thought I was your lucky charm but you know what!?! You can kiss my blarney stone and the next time you want a happy ending you better ask someone else. I’m done with you! You don’t even make a good Easter Bunny, you look like the Trix Cereal Mascot on crack. You silly rabbit!

Lanai: *looks that up*  wow….

Larry the Leprechaun: That’s right I said it!

The Easter Bunny:.*burst out in tears feeling all defeated*

Lanai: Why do I suddenly feel like I’m in a bad lifetime movie?

Larry the leprechaun: Ms Jarrico. He and I have been dating for some time now and never once has he showed this much emotion. So thank you, I’ll take him home now.



Lanai: For a happy ending?

Larry the Leprechaun: That and an “Easter Cream Egg”

Lanai: *looks that up*  OMG you are sick! This interview is over!

Happy Spring SLE Fans!

References
Chicago Sunroof
Alabama Hayride
Easter Cream Egg


Monday, October 31, 2016

“Dear Halloween” Romero de la Luna reporting


Dear Halloween,

I think I need to break up with you.  The reasons are complicated, and it may seem cliché, but please believe me. It’s not you…it is most definitely me.  Bear with me and I will try to explain…

I think I am under the influence of some sort of gypsy curse, which has undermined the magic of our secret yearly rendezvous in the woods.  In recent memory, our illicit meetings have turned from hot role-playing shenanigans into a funhouse mirror of distorted and disappointed expectations.  The long and short of it is this:  In my recent adult costuming life, no matter how I try to dress up, I always end up looking like a slutty pirate. Don’t believe me?  Here’s an example of me attempting to dress up as Harry Potter in 2011.



Imagine my preparations each year. Everything looks like it is going well; this time a green face, excellent latex scarring…glued bolts to the neck and then eventually… I just can’t help it, I’m compelled to break into the rouge and it’s all “Yarrr..hello sailarrrr!” from there on.

I know that my giving up on our time together will either disappoint or even enrage my Celtic ancestors, from where they celebrated some of your earliest festivals. Harvest time has come and gone.  It is the time when people say farewell to the earth’s fertility and welcome the approach of Persephone’s cold desolation. The darker portion of the world begins to emerge.  It is said that the membrane between this world and the Underworld begins to thin, becoming more of an opaque curtain.



It is the time of year that, for ages, the Aossi… faeries and spirits- are most active throughout the world. And from our earliest celebrations until now, we have left offerings of food and drink to appease them so they will move on.  But if they were not appeased, they would grow unruly and create all sorts of chaos, much like the little snot gobblers of today; those little monsters hopped up on Kit Kats and Blow Pops, chanting their unholy ruminations echoing throughout neighborhoods across the world, “Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat-“ Yeeaasshh. It’s a damn freak show out there!


I am truly worried that my recent misanthropy toward our holiday will indeed insult the spirits of my Celtic ancestors. After all, do you remember how they used to fight their enemies?  They would paint themselves up, strip naked and then stimulate themselves to full erection (true story) before stampeding down the hill toward their foes. Don’t mess with the Celts, am I right?  How about THAT for a Halloween costume? Nah, never mind. That’s been overdone by pixel newbs on nearly every seedy sim on the grid.  You might get banned from your favorite places.


Granted, even though a herd of screaming hairy men with hard-ons charging down a mossy hillock would seem intimidating to most- (unless of course you’re like Helen of Troy, then you’re probably all clasping your hands to your chest and squealing, “For me? All for me!?” Not judging btw, after all I am Slutty McBlackbeard)-ultimately, these stampeding nudists bounced off the wall of Roman shields, got speared in the junk and died soon after. So there’s that. Now that I think about it, maybe I don’t have much to worry about regarding my ancestors.

But I digress.

As of Sunday our Hunter’s Moon will have disappeared. Today is the dawn of the new moon: the Beaver Moon… or also called the Frosty Moon. All I have to say is keep that frigid beaver away from me, knowwha’msayin’?



You can probably tell, Halloween, that I still love you, I’m just upset that I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain.  Maybe we should be ‘non-exclusive’ for awhile, instead of breaking up altogether. We should try new things; new people.  Maybe I will date a make-up artist and she will help me deal with my rouge addiction. Maybe I can actually be Harry Potter next year. Some will think that costume to be tragically outdated for 2016.  All I can say is at least it won’t be Harley Quinn. “Omigawd, I’m like soooo original?”

So where do we go from here? 



Well, here are some places we can start…The folks at Elysium (especially the owner Syn Beresford) always knows how to party. And one of my favorite burlesque badasses, ElizaRose Gloom, spins some always killer tunes at The Rabbit Hole (though space is super cozy there, so go early and be cool to the regulars.(They had their official bash on the 28th)  Who knows?  Maybe soon we will be able to snatch back some of that pumpkin spice in our relationship again, my Halloweenhella-hottie.

Just no Celtic Warrior costumes, okay? Promise me. I REALLY like those places and I don’t want to get banned from them.

Love and Kisses,

Your Slutty Pirate, Romero


Saturday, March 5, 2016

Random News: Trollers Really Should Read Profiles Before Attempting their Tactics....Again



Have you ever been trolled by a random Avatar with nothing better to do with their time?

I have... and by the same person on a couple of occasions, so I thought I would share my experience with our readers.



There is a Troll By the name of Tasseyburtle Resident who seems to pose herself as a photographer using the same cut and paste message to whoever she feels like trolling. Please note in her profile, she doesn't have a FLickr and seems to have a slight attitude, so please whatever you do don't ask her about it lol.

I've encountered her in the past, actually getting Punk'd the first time she sent this message. Let's be clear here...I'm no model..never claimed to be but she had complimented my avatar so I thought there would be no harm in helping her build her "portfolio".

 She teleported me to her location and then things took a turn. If I remember it correctly, this troll wanted me to remove my clothing and when I declined she got rather nasty. Name calling and whatnot.  Needless to say, I left and went about my business shaking my head at the crazies who share a virtual world with the us. In January, I got the same message again, but declined.

Months passed and I received the exact same message again this time with a typo included from this person.  She is not on my friend list but always seems to find me. Rather than sweep it under the rug, I might as well put her on blast in hopes she learns a valuable lesson about trolling media lol.


2016/01/01 14:04] Tasseyburtle Resident: sexy look, Im a photographer looking to start a new portrait gallery in sl and youd make a great model, if your not busy , interested?

[2016/01/01 14:15] Lanai Jarrico: Hi Tassey, thank you for the offer
[2016/01/01 14:15] Lanai Jarrico: but I am not a model
[2016/01/01 14:15] Second Life: User not online - message will be stored and delivered later.

3 days Later...

[2016/01/03 00:36] Tasseyburtle Resident: (Saved Fri Jan 01 18:16:56 2016)your pretty maybe u should try it out.
[2016/01/03 00:47] Lanai Jarrico: ty for the compliment but no thank you


2 months later... 3/5/16

[12:33] Tasseyburtle: Sexy look, im a photographer looking to start a new photo galllery in second life and youd make a great model, interested if your not busy?

[12:35] Lanai Jarrico: I believe we met before. No thank you I am not interested
[12:35] Tasseyburtle: lol you get arouned

[12:35] Lanai Jarrico: It seems you like to troll. I do remember you getting nasty with me one time when I tped to your "studio"
[12:36] Lanai Jarrico: do you recall this? [2016/01/01 14:04] Tasseyburtle Resident: sexy look, Im a photographer looking to start a new portrait gallery in sl and youd make a great model, if your not busy , interested?
[12:36] Lanai Jarrico: same exact message in January lol

No response back. Does this mean she just got called out on being a troll?

The only advice I can give to people who have been trolled is to turn it back around on those clowns and share your story with The SL Enquirer.

- Lanai Jarrico



Have you ever been trolled in Second Life? Share your story in the comment box below and don't forget to share the name of your toll so others can keep an eye out for them!

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween Interview Gone Wrong-Part 2: Two-Face- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...



It has definitely been a challenge trying to find the perfect Halloween mascot to interview. It appears they only have interaction with their intended victims, can’t speak proper English, or they try to sexually harass me. I am still traumatized by Frankenstein’s Monster’s use of my microphone in my last interview attempt.  Anyway, While contemplating giving up on Halloween Mascot interviews altogether, I ended up finding a bench in a local prim cemetery to ponder what to do next…



It was getting late so I was about to leave. In the distance, I heard what sounded like two people arguing. The tone was like an old married couple bickering.  I followed the voices and came across a silhouette of man standing alone with his back to me.  As I approached, I couldn’t help but notice the strong smell of hickory smoked bacon and no other person nearby. I found it kind of strange. My curiosity always gets the best of me so I approached this figure and poked him on the shoulder.


 To my surprise it was Two-Face Harvey Dent, one of Batman’s worst enemies.  Apparently it wasn’t always that way. In fact,  he was Batman’s ally at one point when he was the district attorney for Gotham City.  According to sources, Two-Face ended up going insane after a  botched hit when a mob boss threw acid on him, scarring half of his body. Knowing that Two-Face was very unpredictable when he flipped a coin to determine if he would act out in good or evil, I stood in silence as he slowly turned around and gave me a strange look.
For a moment we stood in silence until he randomly busted out laughing and then crying. I didn’t know what to do. I’m no therapist, but it appeared he needed some kind of professional help--so I did what I do best--and I started an interview with him.



Lanai: Hey there Two-Face, I’m sorry for interrupting you but are you ok?

Two -Face: Stay out of it Lady this is between my good and bad side... OMG I’m sooo sorry.... You can stay this is a public place...Ohh FFS!

Lanai: Not judging but are you on drugs?

Two- Face: It’s none of your business now scram!.... Heeeey! you are that reporter for that wacky SL newspaper right?... It (BLEEPING) Sucks!.....well, I love it.

Lanai: Uhhhh, Yes?  OK….. Wait what?

Two-Face:  You heard me lady!... Stop being an ass to Lanai she is a civilian and has nothing to do with why you are so upset!… Screw her and screw you too!.....Imbecile.


Lanai: OK this is getting very awkward. I really should go…

Two-Face: No wait!... Before you leave I think the public should know something about my better half here…. Just get out of here!...NO please stay!

Lanai: ok…. *confused look*

Two-Face: The bad side of me has a secret that would blow the lid off of Gotham City and Batman’s reputation... OMG don’t you dare!

Lanai: Go on….This should be interesting.



Two-Face: My bad half has a fetish called Symphorophilia. He likes to stage and watch disaster and we get an erection every time he sees something blow up…. I can’t stand it!.....  You have issues. ….. Ohhhh no you didn’t!.... Yes I did!.... Fine!... I’m telling Lanai about your Furry fetish…. I can’t go anywhere without you wanting to yiff anything with fur…. I felt sorry for the Easter Bunny… (BLEEP) you dude…. No!  (BLEEEP) You!

Lanai: *sighs* Ok enough...,this is just NOT working out. All I wanted to know is how you would be spending Halloween…

Two-Faced: Halloween? It is against my religion….Not mine!....If I could get rid of you without committing suicide I would!.....Well then! You aren’t exactly my favorite person either!...

The next thing I knew he began to argue with himself again, switching personalities back and forth. I stood there way too long like a third wheel just listening as this train-wreck of a person verbally assaulted his alter ego. Two-Face definitely has multiple personalities and they conflict with each other. After I heard more than I wanted to, I decided it would be best to stay out of it and try interviewing another holiday mascot next month.





 Have a Safe and Happy Halloween SLE Fans!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Halloween Interview Gone Wrong: Frankenstein’s Monster- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...





It’s that time of year when all the freaks come out. What better time than now to find me a Halloween mascot to interview? I grabbed my microphone and pounded the virtual pavement on my quest. From the start, I didn’t want to do the cliche interview with a vampire because that’s too easy. They are all over the grid.  Aside from that, they get freaked out by camera flashes and always seem to focus on my neck a little too much. This year I decided to interview with none other than Frankenstein’s monster. Unlike Vampires, Frankenstein’s monster is a harmless sentient creature who was create by an unorthodox scientist. He might be grotesque, but it doesn’t intimidate me.



Lanai: Hi Frankenstein’s monster! it is a pleasure to meet you. How will you be spending your Halloween this year?

Frankenstein’s monster: UUUUUUUhhh ahhh oooo ahhhhhhhhhhh arrrrrg! *blows raspberries*

Lanai: OK this is NOT going to work out….. *throws her notecard in the air and walks off*

Frankenstein’s Monster: NO Wait! Sorry just having a bad day.  To answer your question, everyday is like Halloween to me. Nothing special about it. I’m just out here looking for something….



Lanai: OH, you really can speak! Interesting. What are you looking for?

Frankenstein’s Monster: I’m almost embarrassed to say.  Recently I had a one night stand with Marilyn Munster and while she was….ummmm licking the Xcite lollipop, the stitches came loose and when I turned on the lights she ran off with it and threw it somewhere around here. To make a long story short, no pun intended..
*looks around*


Lanai: Ohhhhhh, I’m so sorry to hear that.  I guess they don’t make Xcite products like they used to… What are you going to use for now if you can’t find it?


Frankenstein’s Monster: *snatches Lanai’s microphone as she runs off screaming*


TO BE CONTINUED ON HALLOWEEN…..

Friday, June 5, 2015

STOP THE PRESS! – A SNEAK LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE SL ENQUIRER- Mackenzie Abbot reporting



To the casual reader, the SL Enquirer is a great Second Life news source.  To others, it’s just a tarted-up blog with pretensions of being a newspaper.  However you see the SLE, you keep coming back again and again.  It’s friendly and familiar, with a great mix of news, views and interesting articles written by a team with a wide range of interests.  But behind the scenes, gentle reader, lies a different world.  A world of debauchery, greed for power and control.

To begin with, the initiation ceremony is humiliation enough.  But when you are in dire need of a handful of lindens to feed your starving family, you’ll let anyone do anything to you with a rubber chicken, a Walmart gift-card and small statue of Oprah Winfrey.  Survive that and you become embroiled in the seedier side of the SL Enquirer.  For a start, you are not allowed to address the CEO, Lanai Jarrico, as anything but “Miss Jarrico”.  The punishment for calling her anything else will earn you a donkey punch to the back of the head while still being receptive of a dog toy.  And you must never NEVER look her directly in the eyes unless given permission.


A recent image of an SLE journalist ,who missed out a comma in a sentence, trying to pacify Miss Jarrico.


The hours are long and laborious; often lasting a few days until Miss Jarrico is totally satisfied that you are worth of a reprieve from duty.  These reprieves can last from 1 to 7 seconds, depending on her mood, and may or may not include comfort breaks and/or food.  Call into the press room anytime of the day or night and you will see dozens of avatars, broken and battered by toil, endless research and spellchecking.  Many, just shells of their former selves, starting to take notice of their other male captives and doing their level best to hide broners, all why trying to avoid the wrath of their wicked, masochistic editor-in-chief.  Meetings can last for weeks with little or nothing being said.  The last meeting this reporter went to consisted entirely of singing nursery rhymes backwards, and mass mutual shame fest; interspersed with occasional cries of “Fo’ Shizzle Ma Nizzle!” (shouted as loud as possible to Miss Jarrico’s question, “Do you pathetic waste of prims love working for me?!?”) .
The women in the press pack don’t get away lightly either.  I observed one reporter being throttled with her own thong for writing an article that didn’t give praise to the SL Enquirer and dared to express her own views.  The party line (or should that be the Panty Line) should be followed at all times or woe betide your soul.



Three female staffers anger the CEO by not praising The SL Enquirer and are dealt with in line with the SLE Handbook.


One female presspacker, who we will call Jill, spoke to me discreetly from under a table.
“I turned up here all eager and peachy-keen on writing about my passion for fashion…and shoes….and purses….I was bouncing!  I longed to be a journalist and share my adoration for mesh with the world.

And then I signed the contract…



…I was still aglow at finally being a reporter and that’s when the mood changed.  She suddenly had a fire in her eyes and her voice changed.  She took off her glasses and began chanting.  Two of her goons appeared from nowhere and held me in my seat.  When she had finished chanting and her head had spun round to the right position, she stood up, disrobed and……and….”

She broke down quietly but regained her composure a few seconds later.
“Let’s just say there was a forest on the outskirts of the Amityville House Of Horror”
Jill turned a vicious shade of lime green at this point and scuttled away.  I never saw her again.  I’ve since heard rumours that she managed to escape and went into hiding on a sim close to the Blake Sea.  I do hope she’s ok…

Staff Action Figures on SLE Now!


Dear reader, please take it from someone who has seen and experienced the horrors at first hand; the SL Enquirer is not what it seems!  Yes it’s a great read and seems like fun to work for from the outside.  But brutality and fear reign supreme in the world of Miss Jarrico.  Please, spread the word, send help.  We implore you.

I must close now as I hear the sound of 12 inch spiked heels approaching.  Please, save us!  I must now return to pixel-counting, if I’m caught writing this, I will be subject to pain beyond human imagination….



…Keeping Up With The Kardashians…

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Mackenzie’s Mumblings: “But None Of It’s Real, Right?” Mackenzie Abbot reporting



Ever since I plucked up the courage to sign up to Second Life some 3 summers ago, one thing never fails to amaze me.  The class of idiot you get in SL is something else.  Those no-life douche bags and all round bampots who blue waffle their way from day to day, hoping for a life, a job and, maybe, just maybe, a girlfriend.  The very same people who have no happiness in their lives, so set about making others’ lives hell too.  Note how I never included the abbreviations RL nor SL in the previous remark; simply because the line between RL and SL is usually (to quote the waiter played by John Cleese in the Monty Python film “The Meaning Of Life”) “waffer theen”.  People try and distance their real lives and their virtual ones and, to their credit, most do, or do a damn fine job!  Or, at least, do a damn fine job of pretending to.  Who’s to know anyway?

But I digress gentle reader, however I promise I’ll mop it up after, as long as you respect me in the morning.


So why should people get upset when something happens online that we don’t like?  When there are things such as block/kick/bank or simply ignoring people.  Well, some people just aren’t that strong to simply forget about it.  As we all know, behind my avatar, behind your avatar and everyone else’s avatar, there’s a real human being.  Flesh, blood, bones…the lot.  Not every human being has the capacity to easily block out the shock from seeing or hearing things said or done to them or others.

Take a very close friend of mine, we’ll call her Alison for the sake of this story.  Ali is, quite frankly, one of the most beautiful people I know, both physically and mentally.  She recently split from her SL partner after he became insanely jealous about her for no reason.  He accused her of sleeping around and whoring herself about, simply because she never jumped into his IM’s as quick as he wanted.  Alison is a businesswoman in SL and she has put thousands of hours and dollars into making her business a success and she was in pieces after not only abusing her directly, but indirectly through others.  The once unflappable Alison was starting to show signs of crumbling.  With the support of her friends, she didn’t get to the point where she broke, but she wasn’t her usual self for a few days.  The words of one person caused the mighty to become a shadow and that, in my opinion, should be treated with the contempt it deserves, only tenfold.  How dare anyone think they can take a beautiful person, monkey with her feelings and toss her aside!

But none of it is real is it?
Sadly, despite being a bunch of pixels and prims, it’s very real, and it’s widespread.  The ass-hats are coming, batten down the hatches boys!  As I’ve said before, every avatar has a human, and we all still bleed if your prick us.  Alison is, thankfully, back to her old sassy self and has described “it” (him) as “nothing more than something to do”.  She has showed remarkable grace by not retaliating.  She has simply been boosted by her friends and has moved on with her life.  Some people, aren’t so lucky.


Another friend, Diana, quit Second Life for good after taking years of abuse at the hands of the ass-hat brigade.  But hers is a slightly different story.  Diana is one tough lady.  She will tell you things plain and simple from day 1.  If she doesn’t like you or gets the wrong vibe from you, that’s it. 



This aside, the trolls in their various shapes and sizes (and levels of density) used to try and trip her up and she enjoyed nothing more than troll bashing of an evening.  She was the kindest woman I ever had the pleasure of knowing in Second Life but she decided to stop being an idiot’s play-toy and lost interest in Second Life completely in Feb 2014.  Last I heard she runs a catering company in Montana and she’s “doing rather well thank you”.
Sitting in my home, slowly working my way through a pack of Banana Twinkies, listening to Crosby Stills and Nash’s epic 1979 album “Chicago Sunroof”, I despair for human kind, especially the species that frequents virtual worlds and infects people with their poison.  The ultimate test of whether these lunatics survive is whether Linden Labs can man-up and start taking positive steps to kill it before it grows.  “Oh but I have First Amendment rights! You can’t take that away from me!”


True.
However, I don’t see anywhere in any constitution or state of law in America or any other country that gives you the right to ruin other peoples happiness for the sake of you getting your kicks.  In fact, if you want to start quoting century’s old documents, shall we start quoting the bible?

No, I didn’t think so.
Just be nice to each other, for crying out loud.  Life’s too short!


 
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